=teetering on the edge of InSaNiTy=

2004-07-17T21:27:00.000+08:00

1.[what is your full name] guo tong
2. [nickname] nimphy // tonky // tonkie // tonk
3. [bday] 13 may
4. [age] 15 1/6 years
5. [sex] female
6. [social security] huh. not safe.
7. [where were you born] singapore
8. [where you live now] somewhere in singapore
9. [zodiac sign] taurus. moo.
10. [what grade are you in and what school do you attend] sec 3 // rgs
11. [siblings and their ages] brother // 20 years
12. [do you get along with them] okay
13. [pets] my bolster. i feed it with my saliva.
14. [righty or lefty] righty
15. [bedtime] between 12 to 2 am
16. [hair color] 1/2 black, 1/3 brown, 1/6 white
17. [eye color] seems like black to me. i never really notice.
18. [do you wear contacts or glasses] glasses
19. [do you have any piercings] no. not ever.
20. [tattoos] yark
21. [scars] alot. especially my legs.
22. [height] 169 to 170 cm. for some obscure reason it fluctuates.
23. [Do you wear any rings] no
24. [What shoes do you wear] white shoes for school, sports shoes for others
25. [drove a car] i'm underaged
26. [met someone new] erpz. i meet everyday.
28. [cried] duhh. isnt that the first thing everybody does.
29. [wore a skirt] duhhh
30. [how are you today] horrible
31. [wearing] 'life is beautiful' tee // board shorts
32. [thinking about] today's happenings // her conversation // her sms
33. [what does your hair look like at the moment] a ponytail?
34. [what song are you listening to right now] none
35. [what was the last thing you ate and/or drank] homecooked dinner
36. [how is the weather right now] no idea. i'm oblivious to my surroundings.
37. [last person u talked to on the phone] hanxin?
38. [watching] the computer? [yea i mean i answer without looking at the question]
39. [what time is it] 8.49 pm* DO YOU BELIEVE IN *
40. [yourself] usually not
41. [friends] most of them
42. [best friends of the opposite sex] didnt you just say 'best friends'? dont believe them believe who.
43. [santa claus] i dont celebrate christmas
44. [tooth fairy] o_0
45. [angels] guardian angels?
46. [ghosts] uh. not really.
47. [aliens] nah
48. [God] well. kind of.

* MORE ABOUT YOU *

49. [what are the last four digits of ur phone number] 1989 =)
51. [how do you eat an Oreo] open the packet, put into my mouth, bite/chomp/chew, swallow
52. [if you were a crayon what color would you be] orange. definitely.
53. [have you ever almost died] yea almost got knocked down by a car.
54. [what's the best advice ever given to you] a leader sometimes has to make decisions that may not please everyone // do what you think is right
55. [have you ever won any special award] what is your perception of 'special'
56. [do you like to dance] quite
57. [worst sickness you've ever had] mumps
58. [what's the stupidest thing you have ever done] cant remember
59. [what's the next CD you are going to buy] oudeyang!
60. [what sport you hate the most] uh. rugby?
61. [place for a dream house] japan! mt aso!
62. [how many kids do you want to have] never thought that far
63. [have you ever sprained/broken/fractured a bone] left elbow
64. [who do you tell your dreams to] people who like rubbish. like emm or yiqing =P
65. [what are you most scared of] loneliness. jealousy. hatred.
66. [how many tv's do you have in your house] 1
67. [do you have your own tv?] waiting for people to sponsor
68. [do you have your own phone line] handphone counted?
69. [do you sleep with a stuffed animal] yes if you count mogu.
70. [are you shy] okay lah
71. [are you outgoing] er so-so lor
72. [who is the loudest friend you have] szemin =P
73. [who is the quietest friend you have] er. sophia?
74. [who looks the worst in the morning] usually when i see people they already preened themselves
75. [who's the messiest eater] no idea
76. [who's the slowest eater] xiling!
77. [who's the bossiest] o_0
78. [who is the 'mom' outta your friends] miaol
79. [who are the top 3 hottest guys/girls u know] dont tell you
80. [who's the weirdest] me?
81. [who is the funniest] depends on what kind of situation
82. [who do you go to for advice] miaol // hanx // enyi // emm // yiqing // lala
83. [who do you think about most when you're not happy] dont tell you
84. [who do you cry with] myself. friends. usually bandmates.
85. [what's the best feeling in the world] love
86. [when's the last time you cried] fine 060704
87. [is cheerleading a sport] er. yar?
88. [how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop] ...
89. [which came first the chicken or the egg] chicken, coz God created life.
90. [root Beer or dr. pepper] root beer
91. [vanilla or chocolate] yark vanilla
92. [love or lust] love
93. [silver or gold] neutral towards both, but gold for syf
95. [what's your favorite color] ORANGE
96. [what's your favorite band/singer] i listen to songs more than singers
97. [what do you dream about] rubbish. and monsters.
98. [favorite song] the reason - coz of the lyrics
99. [do you like to sing in the shower] yea
100. [had an imaginary friend] many of them, in fact
102. [cried during a movie] yea
103. [had a crush on a teacher] ...
104. [what is the first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning] can i sleep some more?

* PREFERENCE *

105. [sleep on your back, stomach or side] side. i like to hugg my bolster.
106. [adidas, nike, or reeboks] no preference
107. [croutons or bacon bits] bacon bits
108. [2 doors or 4 (on a car)] doesnt matter much to me
109. [bridges or tunnels] either will do. as long as it gets me to the other side.
110. [one pillow or two] the more the better!
111. [salt or butter flavored popcorn] salt
112. [fizzy or still water] fizzy. fuzzywuzzy.
113. [Red wine or white wine] uh, cant take wine.

* Word Association - (1st Thing That Comes To Mind) *

114. [Rubber Gloves] blankout
115. [Disney Character] pooh bear
116. [Fast Food place] macs
117. [Board Game] monopoly
118. [Rock] stone
119. [Blue] black = orh cheh
120. [Wet] water
121. [Cry] tears
122. [Peanut Butter] peanuts?
123. [Hay] horses
124. [Paper] blankout
125. [Wood] trees
126. [Yellow] chicks. i wonder why.

* When was the last time you... *
141. [Took a shower] 4.15 pm
142. [Watched Bambi] never watched it before i think
143. [Got a real letter] from dawn =)=) 080704
144. [Wished upon a star] i dont think i ever did
146. [Hugged someone and who?] nicole. fine 060704
147. [Kissed someone] i think i was forced to kiss my whoever when i was young so i could get a sweet or something
148. [Ate something] an hour ago
149. [Called someone and who] erm. last night at around 9. huien to talk about tickets =P smsed in the end though.

* What is your... *

150. [Good luck charm] nothing. my luck's constantly bad.
151. [Bedroom like] pig sty
152. [Favorite Breakfast food] bread for the norm
153. [Favorite lunch food] depends on my mood
154. [Best thing that happened to you today] the smses they sent

* PICK ONE: THIS OR THAT *

161. [lights on/off] on
162. [sun or rain or snow] snow
163. [mickey D's (McDonalds) or BK (burger king)] burger king
164. [do you like scary movies or happy movies better] i dont mind either
165. [backstreet boys or NSYNC] dont give a damn about english pop
166. [on the phone or in person] in person
167. [summer or winter] winter
168. [chocolate or white milk] NO MILK
169. [CD or tape] CD
170. [hugs or kisses] hugs
171. [cake or pie] pie
172. [cats or dogs] kittens and puppies
173. [mud or jello wrestling] o_0
174. [skiing or boarding] tried neither
175. [day or night] night
176. [sunset or sunrise] sunrise
177. [diamond or pearls] diamond

* YOUR FAVES *

178. [candy] as long as it's not hot
179. [beverage] coke // iced tea // iced milo // homemade barley
180. [cartoon characters] pooh!
181. [sport(s)] cycling // table tennis
182. [song] cant name them all or i'll die
183. [favorite actor or actress] from singapore jacelyn tay. from other countries you dont want to know them all.
184. [favourite movie] zhen xin hua
185. [tv show] di ba hao dang pu (the 8th pawnshop). thought-provoking. oh. and investigation files 1 2 and 3.
186. [Favourite food] no preference
187. [ice cream] chocolate duhh =)
188. [subject] maths // chem189. [shampoo] dove. but no i hate the ad.
190. [favourite month] december
191. [favourite number] 7
192. [favourite person to talk to online] haha. the usual people. actually i'm quite surprised.

* HAVE YOU EVER *

193. [cut your hair yourself] yea when my fringe was against the school rule
194. [been on stage] i'm in performing arts
195. [ever thought an animated character was hot] not into this kind of fashion
196. [kept a secret from everyone] yes. everyone has secrets.
198. [been in a car accident] no. just almost.
199. [put a body part on fire for amusement] ...
200. [drank] of course. if not i would have died by now.
201. [smoked] yea. smoked a salmon HAHA.
202. [broke the law] i stole when i was little
203. [ran from the cops] no i never got caught
204. [made yourself cry to get outta trouble] no usually i cry automatically when i get into trouble =P
205. [tried to kill yourself] o_0 what a waste of life
206. [made your self throw up] no
207. [ever been in love] guan ni pi shi
208. [loved someone so much it made you cry] not that i can think of

got it off someone's blog. who got it off someone else's blog. somehow i feel that along the course more and more questions got deleted coz the numbers are jumping all over the place. but nevermind i'm just being bored and lame.

2003-12-21T22:34:00.000+08:00

changed blog. re-link me.

2003-12-17T10:34:00.000+08:00

eh can someone tell me what happened to my shoutouts??? =(

2003-12-14T16:23:00.000+08:00

it's over it's over it's over it's over it's over it's over it's over it's over it's over it's over.
-phew- i'm free now. yes FREE. uh concert was ok i guess. better than last year's...? yar but my item sucked the most lah... as always. =| my fingers totally froze on stage and i played one note instead of two for every line. [as in for that line] argh.

now it's time for holiday homework. damn.

2003-12-13T12:50:00.000+08:00

finally back from section chalet. am feeling quite exhausted and i desperately need sleep. but concert's in like 7 hours time and i seriously dont feel prepared. ah well. maybe i should say i am not prepared.

hehe but section chalet was quite fun. =) except that the rehearsal spoilt it in some way or the other. bleah. still it was very funky. =P bridge rocks. and so does daidee. =D hyukz. anyway, sabrina should take care and get well soon. yep.

i realize that my communication skills seriously suck. like half the time when i'm with people i keep quiet because i dont know what to say. and when i say something people have no reaction. =| never mind. you wont get what i mean because you were not there.
=( -cries- i should change. yes.

and i think i shouldnt be here at this time. so bye.

2003-12-10T11:20:00.000+08:00

concert's this saturday but i dont feel prepared at all. ahh shit it. i want to do indiv but simply dont have the mood for it. seriously cant wait for the concert to be over. then i can do all the things i want. *yawns* somehow the more i practise the worse it gets. and to think so many people i know will be going. sheesh it's really mei2 lian3 jian4 ren2. =(

ooh after moving the perc instruments yesterday i have successfully gotten 3 orh chehs on my knees. plus the one i already got several days ago, i've got 4!!! break record man... haha. but orh chehs are nice. =D they have a nice colour... uh never mind.

bleah got to go. wonder if i pissed her off. =( hope she doesnt see it that way...

2003-12-08T18:45:00.000+08:00

you know what i just bloody did? i broke one of those harder-to-break xian2s just now when i was practising!! and now i dont have a replacement xian2 because all i have are those super thin ones. shit. i'm dead. lalala~

2003-12-07T15:30:00.000+08:00

the second inunion is over. time flies.

games were gross but fine. starting to get used to them i guess... how environment can actually change someone. ah whatever. but moumouren sucked as usual and spoilt all our fun. crap. but still it was unforeseen circumstances. so. it isnt anyone's fault. =) yep. it seems as though we had a lot of time this year. other than the trouble with the spotlights and stuff. and everyone was kind of frantic. but batch skit still turned out fine. except that i kept forgetting my lines coz i was so bloody nervous and it was so bright. never mind i screwed up my part basically, but i wasnt that significant. phew. and i think the last minute phua-chu-kang-mole incident was damn cool. hyukz. i felt really great when i saw mr oura laughing. =D he was like how amused. haha.

i dont know why i felt extremely nervous this year. even during the pieces when i couldnt see anyone from where i was sitting. i just felt damn nervous. scared. i knew that my direct would be there. so would my sl. yadayadayada. and then i got freaked. i felt kind of erm... touched when i received her note. it was really nice. and all the more i wanted it to be good. all the more i didnt want to disappoint anyone.

and i really felt like crying as i watched the sec ones perform their flag and baton. they were so good. formations, movements etc etc. and they were rather together. most importantly they didnt drop. i felt happy for them, but at the same time i cant help recalling those scenes of our inunion. they cried when they came out. probably out of joy? happiness? relief? we cried too. but it was because we screwed. badly. and then i began to realize how different it is.

having gone through inunion '03, i really wonder how inunion '02 looked like from the audience, though i wouldnt really wish to know how much it ~~sucked~~ rocked. [yar right]

2003-12-05T23:12:00.000+08:00

i dont care who you are or what status you have. i'm bloody irritated and disgusted with you and i think you suck. get out of my life.

2003-12-03T23:49:00.000+08:00

we're dead. batch skit's dead. everything's so bloody screwed. argh i dont want tomorrow to come. bleah.

today's a scary day. as in real scary. first it's the paranoia of being too exposed at the corr. oh well i hope nothing bad happens. i really cant take it. and then it's like suddenly the mood just... dropped. everybody was so silent. nobody dared to even breathe out loud. i hate that kind of silence but it's those kind of situation when you dont feel like saying anything dont know what to say and cant possibly say anything. and it's like. i so much wanted to do something yet i felt helpless because it is kind of a none-of-my-business scenario. argh i hate that damn barrier too. crap.

and there comes the show which was even freakier than a horror movie. man it was so cruel gruesome and gory i think i'll have nightmares tonight. like those scenes keep flashing in my mind and i cant get them off. yark. but nevertheless it was quite a good show. if you disregard the... er... violence. =|

lesson was super funny today. i had a laughing fit when he did the "opera" thing. oh well i'm a very giggly person when i'm in a good mood i cant help it. =D anyway, i was laughing so hard but there was no sound. so i looked as though i was hyperventilating and he was like "whoo calm down" that kind of thing. haha. cute guy. =P

~~[hm does anyone want free tickets from me...?]~~

never mind i decided that that was unnecessary but i have TWENTY tickets and i have to get them off my hands. shit it.

OH NO IT'S TOMORROW NOW. AHHH.

2003-11-28T02:32:00.000+08:00

i can never be a journalist or an editor in my whole entire life man. -_-"

2003-11-28T00:45:00.000+08:00

the worst thing i cant stand about the damned concert is that i have to sacrifice my precious tv time for it. -.- tsk.
AND I CANT BLOODY PLAY MY SOLO.
bleah. i'm dead. like. whoO~ 2 weeks to concert woh... and i'm a bit playing half the speed that i'm supposed to. cant believe how much i rock. hyukz.

hm. should i go for that or that? or should i go for both first before i decide? i mean afterall i may not get in for both so then. =| dont really like the feeling of getting rejected i guess. i'll take quite a while to stand back on my feet again. but then again, it's for the experience. argh. i dont know.

and i decided that i want to continue taking lessons. =) feel so proud of myself for being able to sort out my thoughts but i think i'll soon complain again. heh. me is me. =P never mind i'll get over it and practise like nuts. *cheers* i conclude that it's a gift. =) not that i excel in it but still. yea.

i think nobody knows what i'm talking about. i think if i re-read this in a week's time i wont know what i'm talking about too! *applauds*

hm. havent seen vanessa online for veryyyyy long. did you receive my sms? did you laugh your head off? have you laughed enough? -.- should at least sms me something as a reply siah... =P=P

i think i should leave my poor blog alone. i seriously dont think it enjoys this crap. but before i end, i want to say something.

"something." =D

2003-11-24T23:15:00.000+08:00

stupid bossy untrustworthy disgusting irritating unreasonable childish ungrateful gross ugly piggish irresponsible self-centered insensitive close-minded stubborn self-righteous fickle self-absorbed arrogant unfeeling paranoid overbearing fake pretentious insolent rude disrespectful impolite contemptuous boring irritable irrational subjective haughty disdainful egoistic pompous supercilious snobbish stingy dismissive ineffective useless

u.n.w.a.n.t.e.d.

this. is me.

[and special thanks to yiqing upon the completion of this entry.]

2003-11-20T17:19:00.000+08:00

and suddenly i just feel so hopeful again. hyukz. she sounded nice on the phone. =D this may seem a bit crap to you but anyway, I'M HAPPY!

argh damn. i dont understand how my teacher can play like darn fast for fengshouluogu. it's like he ask me to play with him i play a few bars then cannot make it already. and rehearsal's next friday!!! how? =| it's like. i cant play and there's no one to cover up for me. one wrong note and it's uh-oh die. bleah. that piece is very nice lah but it's so bloody fast. sigh. i will never make it man.

i rushed home today because yiwen said she was coming to practise the duet with me. and i thought i was going to be damn late. then when i reached home she wasnt even here yet. and guess what? she's sick! whoo~ okay that sounded sadistic but it wasnt meant to be that way. never mind. take care...

eeks. the thought of next year arriving in less than 2 months irks me. and i havent done a single proper thing since hols started. except clearing up my table. then? fullstop. no more. i have no wish to know what's there for me next year ya? especially taking juniors. it's like. i cant even... forget it i shant rant. you get what i mean. the whole world gets what i mean and i dont have to spell it out.

ah whatever if only the world can stop spinning. or spin backwards. that's even better. i want to re-live those times again. but coming back to reality, now i can only smile in my dreams... =(

2003-11-17T14:53:00.000+08:00

i lost the feel. i'm too tired to even cry. i dont want to try anymore.

and you are the reason why.

2003-11-16T14:34:00.000+08:00

i'm bored... yayy got this from hanx. =D

describe your
1. [wallet] billabong. whitish with greyish lining with red + grey words in the middle. [sounds gross...]
2. [hairbrush] i dont use one.
3. [toothbrush] yellow. oral-b.
4. [jewelry worn daily] dont wear those stuff.
5. [pillow cover] erm. cant remember + too lazy to go the room and check.
6. [blanket] dont use blankets. i dont have air-con.
7. [coffee cup] dont drink coffee either. [my i think my life seems sad...]
8. [sunglasses] dont wear them!!!
9. [underwear] none of your business damn it.
10. [cologne / perfume] dont put them. argh. STOP IT.
11. [CD in stereo right now] yes 93.3fm yin1 yue4 ri4 ji4.
12. [tattoos] i dont have them. never going to have.
13. [piercings] none either. [please lah... ask about something i have leh...]
14. [what you are wearing now] pink hang ten t-shirt with blue shorts.
15. [in my mouth] saliva, teeth, tongue etc etc. what you'd have in your mouth...
16. [in my head] brains. i'm not hollow.
17. [wishing] a lot of things...
18. [after this] go grandma's house.
19. [fetishes] not much.
20. [if you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what] i'm too nice to kill. =)
21. [person you wish you could see right now] no one in particular. her maybe.
22. [is next to you] air.
23. [some of your favorite movies] zhen1 xin1 hua4. that movie totally rocks, but basically any movie that makes sense appeals to me.
24. [something you're looking forward to] jc band fest and section chalet.
25. [the last thing you ate] instant noodles.
26. [something that you are deathly afraid of] creepy crawlies. roaches especially.
27. [do you like candles] yes. =) they give this tranquil and warm feeling.
28. [do you like incense] err. weird question.
29. [do you like the taste of blood] *smirks*
30. [do you believe in love] i guess.
31. [do you believe in soul mates] not really.
32. [do you believe in love at first sight] NO that's crap.
33. [can you eat with chopsticks] yes.
34. [what are some of your favorite candies] gummis.
35. [what's something that you wish people would understand] how i feel so that they can zap me back...

first things first
[my name is]: if you dont know you shouldnt be here. [wah i think there's going to be a lot of repitition.]
[in the morning i am]: grumpy and moody. if you're smart enough you wont come and gao3 me.
[all i need is]: oxygen?!
[love is]: a word. yes a word.
[i'm afraid of]: creepy crawlies? roaches? and disappointments. and relationships.
[i dream about]: a lot of things.

favourites
[colour]: orange.
[number]: 7.
[subject]: maths.
[clothing brand]: no preference.
[shoe brand]: no preference either. i wear whatever is there for me. usually cheap though.
[sport to play]: table tennis. =D
[drink]: changes with time. [i think i said this before...]
[animal]: horses. =)
[holiday]: end of year hols.
[favourite line from a movie]: kiss me. HAHA. ok never mind that was fake. cant think of anything now.
[band]: RGSSB.

have you ever..
[pictured your crush naked]: i aint that desperate.
[actually seen your crush naked]: i dont peep when people bathe. -.-
[had sex]: yar i'm sure man. -rolls eyes-
[made love]: of course! -rolls eyes again-
[been in love]: no.
[cried when someone died]: havent experienced any death of someone i know yet.
[lied]: who doesnt.

who..
[makes you laugh the most]: maths group! =D and err. them. =)
[makes you smile]: a lot of people. particularly... =)
[gives you a funny feeling when you see them]: do you mean the funny as in the -haha- funny or the -weird- funny?
[has a crush on you]: erm. o.O
[easiest to talk to]: it depends on what i'm talking about.

do you ever..
[sit on the internet all day waiting for someone special to i.m. you?]: i havent got that much time.
[save aol/aim conversations]: i have chat logs.
[wish you were a member of the opposite sex]: no i'm happy to be what i am. err. at least i think so.
[cry because of someone saying something to you]: yes. many times.

have you ever..
[fallen for your best friend]: no.
[been rejected]: i've been rejected so many times that i'm used to it now. thanks man.
[rejected someone]: yar.
[used someone]: i guess.
[been cheated on]: YES and i think i'm too innocent. =P
[done something you regret]: yea. but what is done is done and there's nothing i can do about it so let's just leave it that way.

who was the last person
[you talked to on the phone]: yilun? cant remember.
[hugged]: yiqing i think. or was it hanxin? cant remember either.
[you instant messaged]: yiqing.
[you laughed with]: my mum?

do you / are you
[smoke cigarettes]: no.
[obsessive]: AHHH HE'S DAMN CUTE!!!
[could you live without the computer]: think so. havent tried before so i dont know if i'd die...
[how many peeps are on your buddylist]: cant be bothered to count.
[what's your favorite food]: like i've said, it changes with time.
[fruit]: mangoes.
[drink alcohol]: tried beer when i was really young. but i cant remember how it tastes like anymore.
[like watching sunrises or sunset]: yes. =)
[what hurts the most]: knowing that someone you love doesnt give a damn about you.
[trust others way too easily]: that's my weakness i guess.

number..
[of times i have had my heart broken]: my heart's intact.
[of hearts u have broken]: erpz.
[of continents I have lived in]: 1...?
[of drugs taken illegally]: zero.
[of tight friends]: dont know? define 'tight'.
[of cds that i own]: i never actually counted.
[of scars on my body]: 1 on my chin. goodness knows how many on my legs. 1 on my knee. 2 on my elbow. [wah i just realized i have a lot leh... =|]
[of things in my past that I regret]: i'd prefer not to think about it.

pick one..
[marry perfect friend or perfect lover]: ...
[cats or dogs]: neutral.
[1 or 2 pillows]: of course 2 lah!
[with or without ice cubes]: depends on the weather.
[top or bottom]: huhhh.
[winter / spring / summer / fall]: winter. =) snow is beautiful.
[night or day]: usually night. have more energy.
[gloves or mittens]: neither. they make my hands sweat.
[dressed or undressed]: whatever man.
[bunk or water bed]: dont care as long as it's something decent to sleep on.
[mtv or vh1]: mtv.
[ocean or pool]: ocean. especially in the dawn or the evening. =)
[showers or baths]: havent taken baths before. at least i dont think so.
[love or lust]: love.
[silver or gold]: gold?
[diamonds or pearls]: not interested.

if you could..
[move anywhere]: ??
[meet one famous person]: err. ??
[live with one person the rest of your life]: err. ????
[name one thing you love]: my bolster!!
[name one thing that embarrasses you:]: dont think i'd embarrass myself here.

lastly
[do you like school]: depends on my mood and what activities there are in school.
[do you like to talk on the telephone]: most of the time i do. unless i'm watching tv.
[do you like to dance]: okay lah.
[do you sing in the shower]: sometimes.
[do you think cheerleading is a sport]: err. does it matter?
[what's on your ceiling]: lights.
[what's the hardest thing about growing up]: coping with changes i guess.

what a tedious survey. tsk.

2003-11-15T22:23:00.000+08:00

i dont know if i'm doing this on purpose. sorry if i've hurt you. but i guess you dont know me well enough to know that i'm -this kind- of person. yea. it isnt too late to know now anyway...

i ~~hate~~ love myself.
i ~~hate~~ love myself.
i ~~hate~~ love myself.
i ~~hate~~ love myself.
i ~~hate~~ love myself.
i ~~hate~~ love myself.
i ~~hate~~ love myself.

forget it it doesnt work. oh well. since when has it worked before.

i'm just like. an ornament. i'm there for the sake of being there but in actual fact no one really cares. i seem to have a lot of friends but i dont think anyone can really sense the bitterness in my laughter. maybe one or two does/do [whatever man] but they dont say it lah. i shant rule that out but oh well. again, whatever.

hm i should learn how not to be so pessimistic about life. guess i just dont have the guts to jump off the 80-storey building. or rush onto the road when a car is speeding. or slit my wrist and run it under tap water. or stab myself right into the heart. or take in pills because i have no money for them. [woah perfect excuse worh. hyukz.] never mind. i'm sure it will go off after a while. =D

i ~~hate~~ love my life.
i ~~hate~~ love my life.
i ~~hate~~ love my life.
i ~~hate~~ love my life.
i ~~hate~~ love my life.
i ~~hate~~ love my life.
i ~~hate~~ love my life.

there's always a first to everything right? well i hope this works for once... lala~

2003-11-14T20:06:00.000+08:00

yep so i got 3ScG. not especially elated. in fact i dont feel anything. even if i do it's more towards the negative side. ah well whatever. i should be contented. =) it seems as though the whole world got their first choice. well congrats!

did something really spastic today. thanks to yiqing. =P=P anyway was feeling super weird and paiseh at the same time. but we really thought no one was there lor. =| god knows she suddenly popped out. scared the hell out of both of us man...

and thanks to yiqing again, i keep on having this strong urge to say "hyukz" in everything that i write.

yiqing should feel honoured that i keep mentioning her name in my blog. hyukz. =P

2003-11-10T00:09:00.000+08:00

oh yea. happy birthday samantha! =)=)

2003-11-09T23:25:00.000+08:00

Name: if you dont know i really dont see the point in you continuing to read this...
Do you like it?: of course! i havent found anyone with the same name as me yet. =D
Nicknames: as you like it. like i care.
Screen names: ToNk.
Location: in front of the computer?
School: RGS.
Status: oh i'm attached. to my colour tv set at home! =D -LAME- never mind.
Natural hair color: black.
Current hair color: black with a tinge of brown due to constant contact with chlorine from swimming pools. [err i think so]
Eye color: black.
Height: taller than you lah. =P
Birthplace: kk women's and children's hospital.
Shoe size: depends on the structure of the shoe. because i have abnormal feet but usually 5.

[ family ]
Parents: father and mother.
Siblings: elder brother. 19. NS.
Live with: all of the above.
Favorite relative: my youngest aunt who looks like me. =P

[ favorites ]
Number: 7!!!
Color: orange.
Day: wednesday. dont ask me why i also dont know.
Month: err. no preference.
Song: persis overture.
Movie: all good movies that make sense appeal to me.
Food: it changes with time.
Band: RGS band.
Season: winter. though i havent seen it before.
Class: ~~miss kum~~ mrs koh's maths classes and gong lao shi's chinese classes.
Teacher: well quite a number i guess. no favourite as long as he/she's good.
Drink: it changes with time too. [haha fickle =P]
Veggie: kangkong!
TV Show: uncountable. i'm a tv addict. [tsk it's NOT a demented box]
Radio Station: yes 93.3fm.
Store: ?? what kind of store?
Word: i use words when appropriate lah dumb dumb.
Animal: err horses. =)
Flower: lavender!

[ this or that ] tsk are you asking for preference or what... well i take it as whatever i think it is then. -.-
Me/You: you.
Coke/Pepsi: i think they taste the same. =P
Day/Night: night! i'm energized and hyper at night! well i'm sure you can tell...
AOL/AIM: what is that? some cable? [suaku...]
CD/Cassette: CD.
DVD/VHS: dont mind. but VHS since DVD's more ex.
Jeans/Khakis: i dont wear khakis.
Car/Truck: car.
Tall/Short: depends on who i'm standing with lah.
Lunch/Dinner: dinner! because mum cooks! =)
NSYNC/BSB: huhhh. has that got something to do with computers? i think so right...
Gap/Old Navy: ??
Lipstick/Lipgloss: YARK. i cant close my mouth after putting those gross stuff.
Silver/Gold: well i'd prefer gold.
Alcohol/Weed: sorry i think i'm underaged. what's weed anyway. nothing good i suppose...

[ love and relationships ]
Do you have a bf/gf?: is my television set a male or a female... hmm...
Do you have a crush?: err. yes.
How long have you liked him/her?: this is PRIVATE. =P
Why do you like this person?: is that your business?
If you're single... why are you single?: i havent reached that stAGE?
If you're not single... give details...: err. i've lived with my dearest tv for like... 14 years. yar anything else you want to know? -.-
How long was your longest relationship?: why are you interested in my life history anyway?
How long was your shortest relationship?: this is spastic.
Who was your first love?: hm. what is love?
What do you miss about them?: i dont have a clue on who you're referring to. so... TOO BAD.

[ the past ]
What is the one thing you would change about your past?: it can never happen so i'd prefer not to regret.
What is the biggest mistake you've made in your life?: err. to lie.
Last thing you heard: err. my mum's voice?
Last thing you saw: all that was in my scope of view. are you sure you want to know all of them?
Last thing you said: mm.
Who is the last person you saw?: mother and brother. in my scope of view what.
Who is the last person you kissed?: dont remember kissing anyone in my life.
Who is the last person you hugged?: err. hanxin? not my fault! she lunged at me... =P
Who is the last person you fought with?: emmaline. at the toilet for the cubicle with the squatting toilet bowl. [haha]
Who is the last person you were on the phone with?: err. min yen.
What is the last TV show you saw?: i was just watching the varsity debates...
What is the last song you heard?: i think it's yu4 jian4.

[ the present ]
What are you wearing?: t-shirt and shorts. what normal people would wear at home?
What are you doing?: ahem what do you think?
What song are you listening to?: oh. this reminds me that i should turn on my player...
Where are you?: at home. -.-
Who are you with?: mother and brother.
Who are you talking to?: no one.
Are you online?: yes.
How are you feeling?: irritated. by the stupid mouse.
Are you in a chatroom?: no.

[ future ]
What day is it tomorrow?: monday.
What are you going to do after this?: dont know? no plans yet.
Who are you going to talk to?: whoever i feel is suitable?
Where are you going to go?: somewhere i guess. well i hope.
How old will you be when you graduate?: how am i supposed to know. you didnt state graduate from where what.
What do you wanna be?: err. a lawyer? well it's just a dream...
What is one of your dreams?: kau. stupid question. which one should i choose har...
Where will you be in 25 years?: somewhere... -.-

[ have you ever ]
Drank?: yes. if not i would have died of thirst dont you think so?
Smoked?: dont think so.
Had sex?: yar i'm sure. -rolls eyes-
Stolen?: yea when i was young. =(
Done anything illegal?: yes, but not the kind that will end me up in the police station.
Wanted to die?: i guess...
Hit someone?: yea. thanks for reminding me. -.-

[ other ]
Do you write in cursive or print?: depends on my mood lor.
Are you a lefty or a righty?: righty.
What piercings do you have?: zero. and i will never have.
Do you drive?: i'm underaged lahhh...
Do you have glasses or braces?: glasses.

I REALLY HATE MY MOUSE MAN. grr.

2003-11-09T18:01:00.000+08:00

new template again! =D

2003-11-01T23:09:00.000+08:00

i think i'm a bit behind at this. but 2/7, you really rock. i'd never ever forget that dinner, and many other wonderful memories you have given me in my first 2 years of rgs life. and i'm sorry about not doing enough for the class within this short period of time. i know i'm not exactly a very enthu person. i guess it's too late for regrets, but i really had a great time with you. you were the people who gave me the courage to move on, who supported me when i needed someone around, who zapped me back into reality whenever i needed a scolding to bring me back to my senses, who brought joy and added colour into my life, who tolerated my un-ending pms-ing mood swings etc etc.

i'm not as person good with words, neither am i good at expressing myself. [are they the same thing?never mind.] but i wish to let you know my utmost gratitude for each and every unique individual in the class of 207'03 that come from the bottom of my heart. without you, my secondary school life would not be complete. and i mean it.

especially to kristel and vani, for being such responsible leaders of our class, never failing to do things for us without complaints. leading the class along in cheers and operation cleanups, and always being so enthu about functions, if you get what i mean. and also for being so helpful towards everyone and everything. yea.

to jingy, i know we've had misunderstandings and conflicts between us, but i'm sure you do remember how we've shared our joy and happy times together, talking about *ahem* and *ahem* etc etc. thank you for always being there for me in times of need, and being retarded enough to bring laughter to the group. =P OH and imitating tay pok colman chua and many many other teachers... love ya always.

to cara, ahhh my maths rep partner!! thanks for helping me out and also putting up with my foul temper. i'll remember how we studied together during the pre-exam period, especially for jap. i hope we end up in the same class next year ya? as in for third lang lah. continue sending me crap smses whenever you have any ok? love ya.

to chelsea, you always seem to be the bochap one. forever looking so happy and heck care. i will miss the way you bicker with yilun and teasing her. you brought lots of fun and laughter to the group. hope you wont dao me the next time you see me along the corridors ya? dao kia...

to yilun, the dramatic cowww. thanks for always being there too. i bet i'll miss the way you call me "tonkieee" in your damn high-pitched voice. =P and your acting is damn nice. so envious. hmph. continue singing out loud and being gay [both ways haha] ok? and thanks for being such a great chinese rep. love ya lots.

to joanna, the honeydew pumpkin etc etc... i wont ever forget your small [non-existant =P] eyes and thin [also non-existant =P=P] eyebrows. haha okok joking. anyway, you're like one number after me so we really did a lot of things together. i still remember how you always go for larger portions of food during cooking lessons and being afraid of the fire so in the end i did most of the cooking. tsk. =P anyway i'm glad to have known you. i'm sure we'll end up in the same jap class again next year though. =)

to vanessa, i think i only got closer to you from this year onwards. i cant remember from when and how did our friendship start to blossom like you said. i just know that since it has already started, it'd never end right? dont dao me when you see me anywhere around next time ok? and you've really did your job well as a treasurer. dont dream too much about $$ though... haha. oh i forgot to thank you for spreading my new [not even true] name around ya... tsk. -.- hehe and dont worry so much as well ya? if not i'll come and haunt you in your dreams. =P love ya!!

to yilin, we never really talk a lot to each other, but i'm glad to have known you. remember that you rock ok? you played damn well for netball carn and you did damn well for your exams too you mugger. =P yea so continue being funky and believe in yourself. since you've changed so much in the course of these 2 years, i believe you can move on much further and become a stronger person as you continue to fight through the journey of your secondary school life. you can do it. jia you and love ya!

to miaoling, thanks so much for helping me do so much stuff like recording shows and scanning in pages of the ci yu shou ce for me. you've been such a great friend, though i must say i aint exactly the best person to hang out with. your craze for yanzi and soccer really drive me crazy sometimes, but you're a truly wonderful friend to be with, always willing to lend a helping hand to others. friends forever!

to xiangying, another crazy one but this time over energy and dont-know-who. haha. i know i'm not that close to you but having you sitting beside me for maths classes is really fun. and for your information, i'm not stressed ya? =P

to yijing, i remember you were the first person whom i talked to when i just entered rgs, but i only got to know you better this year. you're so zai in everything. sports, dance, singing, acting, public speaking, studies... ... so all-rounded. =O thank you for bombarding me with maths sums early in the morning when i first step into the classroom ya? haha =P continue being zaiii =) love ya.

to xiany, thanks for the wonderful name you have given me, though i have zero idea how to spell it. i havent read a single one of them. is it nimphy? =P haha never mind. anyway, you're always so funny and nice and i loveee your quote about colman chua. "his ego is sooooo big that there's no more space left for us in the classroom..." haha. rock on and love ya!

to elisa, havent been exactly close to you either, but you're famous in our class for being crazy and doggy. =P i'm quite sure we'll be in the same jap clas next year too! =) hehe and i love your drawings. you have a flair for that ya. continue to jia you ok?

to juliet, ahhh i havent got booked by you before!! is that an achievement? hehe =P just joking lah. you've been a great pit ya? but dont worry too much about things and dont always look so troubled... work hard for that competition we're taking part in ok? i'm afraid it's going to be the last time we'll get to work together. but i'll love ya always... =)

to weitian [puff], you're damn lame and funny. =P anyway stop teasing me about maths and chinese and all those crap okayy you're not too bad yourself. and my life's not about studying... bleah. i dont exactly talk to you very much, but i must say your lit and english are damn damn damn zai. and you're so shuai! haha stay funky!

to mingrue [chicken], you're another lame and funny one. =P chicken puff chicken puff. we already see you the two unseparable dudes ya... sigh. anyway, really glad to have you making lame jokes in the science lab and whispering in english during chinese lessons in front of gong lao shi... super funny. and you're forever looking as though you didnt get enough sleep or something. so drowsy. wake up!!! =P and ah. did i ever mention that i absolutely loveee your handwriting? love ya!

to huixing, you were once my batchmate but i didnt really get to know you well because we were not bonded at that time. when we finally got together you have already left the band, leaving me as the only pathetic bandgirl in the whole class... =( anyway, you are always so sweet going around saying hi and hello to everyone. continue being smiley =)=) and by the way, you do look like a flower. =P haha...

to ann, thanks for giving us the service hours!! woah i need lots of that. =P heh. anyway, you've been a great ace rep, doing all those dirty jobs for the class and having to report to that quacky HOY. you're also another smiley one. stay happy and good luck for the future!

to terese, you are damn corny. =P anyway thanks for being the class secretery for like 2 years, running up and down to hand in the attendance sheets and doing lots of other things like making props and designing our class tee. you really rock. stay cool and funky! love ya...

to preetha, i've known you for so many years, yet this is the first time in my whole life to actually hug you. what an irony. i wish you all the best in whatever you do, and that our friendship from jps till now will continue no matter what happens. bless you...

to all two-oh-sehwen-ers in general, you guys rock!

i'm sorry i cant list out all the names and dedicate a paragraph to every one of you because there're just too many things that i want to say to everyone. bleah. believe me that all of you are equally important and i really wish you all the best in your future endeavours. jia you!!!

as 207 sails the seven seas together forever...

i'll never forget how we flooded suntec city mall [fountain of wealth] with our tears of friendship. never.

2003-10-30T20:24:00.000+08:00

whoosh we got second for drama night!! *cheers* well at least it was memorable. except that i really think tay pok should go and stuff her head into the toilet bowl. bleah.

ah today's 'xinyao' talk was really cool. well at least i think so. =P somehow i feel it's like because i'm familiar with that music school [because yanzi came from there haha] and it's quite well-known so i think it's extremely cool that the teachers actually come over to our school to do demostration and stuff. anyway i really hope... never mind.

i'm kind of looking forward to tomorrow's class dinner. and i would be even more excited if not for the... inconvenience. never mind you wont get what i mean. but it's going to be the first and the last time i guess. so yea must really treasure it. saddest thing is i dont have a camera. what a winner.

i dont think i can really dont give a damn. how? =|

2003-10-28T20:45:00.000+08:00

how i wish you'd stop bugging me and forcing me. or rather, how i wish i had the courage to just tell you straight into her face that i want to stop. that i know what i want for my life and it is not among my top priorities.

i dont know. once again i'm sinking into darkness. i know i have choices, but i cant see the paths that are in front of me. i dont know where to head towards. i stand there and scream with all my might but to no avail. no one takes notice.

you're asking me to do it because you didnt manage to do what you wished to achieve. you want me to continue your dream for you. you never once asked me if i really liked it. you never asked for my opinion when obviously i'm the one going through all the hassle. you're demanding me to do it because you like it. but do you even know that i dont? do you even care? damn. what's the point of forcing me to do it since you know that i wont be able to put my heart and soul into it? maybe you think that the interest can be inculcated bit by bit as i go along, but too bad. things dont always work that way. i dont just dislike it. i detest it. and i can definitely live without it.

i am not you. dont expect me to live the way you did. so what if he was/is your idol. he's not my idol! in fact i cant stand him at all. why dont you just like let me lead my own life the way i want it to be.

whatever. dont blame me if i just explode one day. you should know better than to even mention anything about it in front of me. bah.

perhaps it wouldnt be that bad if i was in long-term darkness. at least then my eyes would be accustomed to the surroundings. but why must there always be false hopes...

he switched on the lights upon entering. i was elated. i thought everything was over. but before i knew it, he stepped out, and with a click he switched them off again behind him.

2003-10-27T20:31:00.000+08:00

yayyy our class got into drama night!! =)=)

i dont think i would ever forget that moment. like... the whole class [well almost the whole class anyway] waiting anxiously for the results, crossing our fingers praying that it wouldnt be like last year, gathering at the corridor and sticking out our necks to try to hear the PA system because the one in the classroom was koyak etc etc. and before that when we played some stupid games as a class, laughing and screaming and making all sorts of dumb jokes until tay pok popped in and interrupted our truth or dare [glad it ended there though. dont want to be the next one =P]. but she spoilt everything. bah. anyway, i think i'm going out of point. you know when the results were going to be announced all of us were like damn nervous. then after that we heard something like 2/9 and we were like oh no... because we didnt hear anything else except 2/9. and then he announced 2/14... 2/6... and all of us were like thinking shit it's the last one. and finally, it was two... zero... SEVEN!! everyone just screamed like crazy, as if that moment belonged to us. just us and no one else. i think... that was truly the time when i felt so strongly the presence of 207 class spirit. it may not mean much to others to get into the finals, but i think it means a lot to us, especially since we have failed last year because of stupid reasons. the class effort paid off. and this is one of last opportunities to actually achieve something as a class [still got netball carnival]. yea anyway as i was saying, but i didnt hear that 2/4 got in as well. too busy screaming. =P and it was later then i found out that 2/9 was doing the guest performance and not the actual competition. that's why there were 5 classes announced. errr a bit slow, but never mind. lala.

didnt expect it to come so fast. 4 more days and we'll be separated into various different classes of our choice. it didnt seem as though it was ever going to come. i kind of regret that i havent been doing much for the class for the past 2 years. like how i could have been more enthusiastic towards certain things and stuff. but time cant turn back for these regrets and all of us have to continue moving on. i just hope that we wont become strangers the next time we meet each other along the corridors or anywhere.

keep pushing guys, keep pushing and rock on! =)

2003-10-25T21:35:00.000+08:00

err. happy birthday sabrina! =)

i realize i'm starting to procrastinate. like... i want to do it and i know i've got to do it, but i just feel so tired. both physically and mentally. and then i start making excuses to push it to later, and later, and later, and later. and then, i suffer in the end. bah. i hate myself for not being able to control myself and resist temptations. at certain times it may be good to relax. but i dont have the time to do so. i think i need some kind of motivation to get me started. all of a sudden i just feel so lost and helpless. i just dont feel like doing anything. i dont want things to go wrong but i dont care whether things go right. it's sort of like a very contradicting situation. how i wish i can stand on my own feet. like now. immediately.

i know there's this underlying fear. i really dont want next year to come. i dont wish to see what i have become of by the end of next year, knowing that i havent done what i should have done and that i havent achieved what i could have achieved. by right i should be able to get rid of the feeling of being lost since i jolly well know what is going on, but i think i really lack something. something that can actually keep me going no matter what happens. something that i can rely on to solve my own problems and dilemma.

self-esteem?

is it low or is it simply that i dont have any of it. i dont know. i spent my whole 14 years of life living in cowardice. at least i think so. i havent grabbed chances and opportunities when they came by. it's only a bit too late to regret eh. a bit. just a bit. but what can that bit do? nothing. too late is too late. the time length does not matter at all. it comes and goes, and once you miss it, too bad. until now then i realize there are so so so so so many things i want to do and learn. somehow i feel empty. my childhood is empty. my life is empty. my memories are non-existent. because nothing is significant.

whatever whatever whatever. stupidity is a disease that can never be cured. guess what? i think i caught it.

2003-10-24T12:46:00.000+08:00

i'm like blogging for the sake of blogging. not that my life is boring, but i just cant express how i feel in words. maybe there's nothing to blog about? but i think it's more like i have too many things to say that i dont know how to start and so i might as well dont say anything, in case i bring trouble for myself. ah well. whatever.

i snipped off my hair. is that significant enough? =|

anyway, i'm feeling lethargic. nearly fell asleep on the chair at the hairdresser's until she tugged so hard at my tangly hair that i almost fell off. yikes. what a goner. but it did wake me up though.

ah. got back all my results. a bit late only but doesnt matter. cant believe how much i dropped since last year. bloody hell. felt damn disappointed for most of the papers but there were surprising ones too though. but i studied so much more than last year yet i still dropped by so much. it's kind of attacking my own self-esteem yar. =(=( and i would appreciate your considerate-ness if you would stop commenting about my maths thank you very much. it's no more than just ONE out of SEVEN subjects. tsk. anyway, i think she's right. i should be contented. considering the fact that... ... never mind. you probably wont be reading this but still, thanks for enlightening me. =)

and jiaying? sorry i shouted at you. really i didnt mean it. was feeling sore because of the papers so... yea. dont take it to heart yar?

anyway, it's finally over. so just enjoy yourselves!

first aid course was damn funny. i think that philip guy can fight with kenneth tan for the mr. jagong. he's like super lame can? but he quite nice lah. thought the whole thing would be pretty boring but it turned out fine, except for the waiting part. at least we learnt something. i think. they probably passed everyone anyway. =P

"hello hello are you okay???"

hm this line reminds me of that evening. i think that's the very last time i will get to chat with her like that. yea i'll always remember your encouragement. always.

you know, even if you have a blog that belongs to you, you have to take into account that people do read it. verbal attacks that hurt others may not mean anything to you because you dont give a damn about how others feel, but it also shows how you present yourself as a person. at the end of it all, the one who suffers most will turn out to be yourself.

"...to build a sensitive society, based on love and humanity..." [choral speaking line]

strongly agree. who wrote that? you rock.

2003-10-19T18:36:00.000+08:00

batch chalet was quite successful. i think we all owe a big thank you to yiqing.

thank you yiqing!

yea. if not for you we probably wouldnt have gotten down to organizing it and stuff. anyway, it was very fun. [i know this doesnt sound very convincing but i'm currently not in the mood for exclamation marks sorry. but trust me it was fun.] i love bridge. to think we actually played it through the night. =D and i love biking too. it just feels great when the wind blows against your face. but i think i havent biked for such a long time that my muscles are hurting like crazy. wonder how i am going to run for ORA tomorrow. =|

i'll remember the night on the rock wall by the sea. when we shouted into the sea. when we sang together as one. as a batch [though not the whole batch was there]. i guess it was the first time after flag and baton when i actually felt so strongly that the batch can strive together. we can.

i agree that it would have been much better. things would have been different. and the part about capability as well. i realize that people dont always seem to be what they are. like how others view me. i guess they've failed to see the other side, which is probably what i really am deep down inside. it is a bit too late to regret, but i'm sure we can always leave some room for ourselves to think back and realize how it could have been more successful. i may have did my part. but there's always room for improvement. how i wish i could re-live those times, though i know it can never be possible. the earth wont stop spinning because of me, my thinkings and my memories. but now as i watch the sec ones, i really feel i could have done much more. i really hope i did more than what i did. perhaps then now they wouldnt be struggling so much.

too late. everything's too late. i can only tell myself that it's over, and that nothing i do is going to reverse time or change things. one thing not too late for me to do is to not let history repeat itself. is to put myself into their shoes. to climb into their skin and walk around in it. to feel their pain. no matter what happens. though i believe they wont love us that much. they wont feel for us as much. it's still different.

no. i would not regret. i would not let myself live in self-delusion. i would not allow myself to give up. if i can tell others to do it, i can do it myself. but then again, i'm the emotional one. i had never once managed to convince myself to be strong. be it a hundred or a thousand times i have told myself to get a grip, i never did manage to do it.

i cry.

is it ever too late to say i love you?

2003-10-16T19:32:00.000+08:00

I HATE MY MOUSE. that irritating thing keeps double clicking, and it doesnt listen to my finger's orders. when i click "back" once it goes 2 pages back, and when i click "forward" it jumps 2 pages forward too. wonderful. and it just goes back and fro back and fro. until it gets tired and finally do what my finger tells it to. cooperative mouse.

i'm glad blogger had enough sense to change back to the old template. hehe.

my mum's gone. my dad's at work. my brother's not even coming back. i have the whole house to myself. for once. and it suddenly feels so big. as in yea it's just a mini 4-room flat. but it just feels so big. too much space for myself. i wouldnt say much about my brother coz there's no one to fight over the com and the tv with me =P but it's so strange to be at home alone after all those times when there'd be people around when i reach home. not to mention that my mum hasnt gone overseas alone for years. but yea i guess she needs a break. and she wants a break as well. =|

argh i think holland v's getting more and more... uninteresting. why dont they just make it short and sweet. =S

hm sectionals was better than i expected. owe a big thank you to hanxin for breaking out into laughing fits for no apparent reason -.- tsk. but yea i died as usual. =( cant seem to get some things right and everything sounds kind of weird. as in... really weird. i think the piece is rather nice, but i still like persis more. =D

and i dont want to perform. i dont want i dont want i dont want!!! *screams and rips hair out* it's like what. ONE WEEK after the cat high performance. ONE WEEK. practise bullshit lor. =| i was kind of hoping that the cat high performance would clash with the darn thing. then i have proper excuse to be exempted. bah. things dont go my way man...

in the end, all was left was pure emptiness. i love my life man.

2003-10-13T18:53:00.000+08:00

is it ok if we have class dinner at pizza hut? it's the most practical out of all already...

anyway, went suntec to check out the prices and reservation for class dinner. woah it's totally crazy. most of the places need like an average of 20 bucks per person which is like. erpz. plus GST and service charge. o.0 errr no i dont own a bank yar... and i cant print money as and when i like either. =| ok that was a bit exaggerative but never mind. you get my point.

after that cara had to meet dont-know-lwho to shop at orchard. so me and chelsea decided to go arcade. it was super funny coz we were challenging each other in the street fighter thing, but we didnt know which button was what. so in the end we just anyhow press and we were hitting the machine like crazy. i think both of us damn suaku lah. the first machine we played consisted of 3 rounds. then we were both like blur blur then we nearly wasted our chance of playing again. waste the tokens. luckily in the end we pressed the button on time. haha... then the second machine was also street fighter. but errr another kind lah. yar. then we were quite errr ji1 dong4 lah. so we were like fighting and banging the machine trying to use the special power. then after that i think i was too excited that i turned the knob too hard and the whole thing came out!! i was like oh my gosh. =O haha. oh and the stupid ninja-dont-know-what thing was best lah. the whole game didnt even last for one minute and we both died. lol.

oh we played the WWE thing. and i wu4 da3 wu4 zhuang4 won chelsea. i dont even know how i win one. i couldnt even control the direction the stupid man was facing lah. then he was like punching the air. =P super funny. then after i won her i got to play with the computer. and i won 3 games in a row without knowing how i managed to win. chelsea was like commenting at the side asking me to hit him hit him when i dont even know which button was the hit button. =P haha. then i ended up randomly pressing as fast as i can all the buttons so that i can be sure at least something will come out. haha miraculously i survived quite long. until stage 4. not bad lah... considering it's the first time i'm playing. =P whoosh.

i wonder if i would still win if i had known what the functions of each of the buttons were. sometimes it's better not to know eh?

2003-10-13T12:07:00.000+08:00

yayy a new template! comments please... =P

ah first time i managed to change a template on my own except for some parts here and there. =) quite a big achievement for me i must say. thanks jingy! hehe... i'm not wang4 en1 fu4 yi4 =P

i'm HyPeR now. can you tell can you tell??? i'm hyper!!!

=D

2003-10-10T20:45:00.000+08:00

haha... went through all the blogs and like 99% of the contents are cheers that exams are over. so now it's my turn.

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! HOORAY FOR FREEDOM!!!

a bit slow but yea. =P hmm i dont understand why people can just express themselves so well... people like vanessa and yiqing. tsk. never mind.

today was quite sad lah... firstly i was feeling rather lethargic. i mean yea. hello??? exams are over!!! i should be hyper!!! but i guess i was rather far from it. was close to falling asleep at the corridor in the end. hurhur. batch chalet sounds fun on the whole... and drama night... and netball carn... and class dinner! yayy so many things to look forward to. and my mouthpiece!! ahhh i want!! ok never mind i'm going mad...

after stoning at the corridor for 929783547628901 minutes we finally decided to go pizza hut for lunch. which we started off at about 2.15 and only got to eat at 3. talking about lousy service. tsk. anyway at first the whole atmosphere was quite dead lah... but we ended up like 3 crazy people laughing over toilet incidents and ridiculous accidents that no one would expect it to happen in real life. and i've got a new phrase today! what a humbAg. LOL.

everyone's brain was functioning at like what. 5%? maybe even less. but anyway that was the funniest part. when everyone started screwing up their facts and sentences. like how i pointed to the $10 note lying on the table saying "there's a paper...". and how the large intestine became big intestine in honour of wanxian. hurhur. used up too much brain juice in the past few days eh...

and for some reason we were all in trios. haha... was laughing like crazy when we saw 3 sec threes while we were at pizza hut. after we finished errr talking we went up the escalator and guess what? we saw 3 sec ones. laughed even harder. it's like their reactions were like ours when we saw the sec threes lah... as if it's passed down or something. then we were laughing like crazy until my tears all came out. but that's not the point. we were walking to the bus stop when i dont know what happened, we were just laughing and laughing and laughing when suddenly my teeth knocked into yiqing's head. oh my gosh laughed even more. but my teeth went numb though... =| yiqing's head's really hard. bah. =P=P

anyway after we parted me and wanxian went off to do what we were errr supposed to do. it was darn stupid lah... wasted 8 bucks each for the enlarged portriats of a pair of ugly twin sisters. =P=P heh. but i must say it was quite errr. amusing. =P sigh. talking about stupidity. tsk. the result of dysfunctional brains. had sort of a 'talk' together. seemed a long long time ago since we really talked to each other. felt really good =)

humbAg.

2003-10-05T18:18:00.000+08:00

good luck to everyone for the end-of-years =)

2003-09-29T21:28:00.000+08:00

yayy finally could post something happier =)

we did quite well for ppl! *screams* everyone got A1. =D yepps. feel quite relieved lah. at least we didnt stay up for nothing... haha though we kind of screwed up our presentation. got quite low for that but never mind that's not the point.

whoosh. =D

2003-09-27T11:07:00.000+08:00

yayy i screwed chinese orals like i expected.

well things dont always go my way but they seem to not go my way for -everything- recently.

whatever.

i hope the bad luck wards off by end-of-years. if not i can go bang my head on the wall.

i know what you're going to say. dont dirty the wall right?

dont worry. i'll wash my head thoroughly and spray it with perfume before doing so.

2003-09-26T18:13:00.000+08:00

great. another test doomed to fail.

and i've got the best comfort i can get at such a time -- diarrhoea. whoosh.

i guess it isnt so much about reclimbing the mountain now. it's about whether i can pick myself up from the ground. you know, like i fell flat in the face. flat. i'd be happy if my nose didnt break off, but i'd be utmost surprised if i'm still conscious.

whatever. this whole damned thing simply sucks.

2003-09-25T17:18:00.000+08:00

i feel as if someone just punched me on the face. argh. to simply put it, i cant get over the fact that it actually happened.

i dont want him to come back. the look of him irritates the hell out of me. it didnt use to. but it does now. i hope he stays there and doesnt budge.

on a lighter note, miss wong was really nice today. well at least she managed to -sense- something. and she was quite nice about it. yea.

i guess the best way to space out is to pretend. pretend to sleep. pretend to not know anything. pretend to not feel.

perhaps some day, some time in the future, i will be able to fly out of my cocoon. hurhur.

oh did i mention that my tutee fadilee sent me a message that said "thank you for helping me"?? gosh i was so happy when i received that message... joy of helping others. =)

well that's something that might soothe a bit of my frustration. MIGHT.

2003-09-25T16:20:00.000+08:00

i had always thought it was an attribute, only to realize that it was just a dream. something... never to be.

i totally D-I-E-D-E-D for the maths test. not that it was particularly difficult or what. but i just couldnt do it. 9 marks. 9 marks gone to goodness-knows-where. that's approximately one-third of the whole paper. PLUS those that i have no idea if i made any careless mistakes. wonderful aint it? so much about scoring an A1. crap. crap crap crap crap crap. i lost like 3 marks for writing 7 as 8. not to mention the fact that i only got one-quarter right for an 8-mark question, which is clearly. dead.

i did ok for history i guess. probably first time in my whole life to score in history. whatever.

english test was bloody. ok i was glad i wasnt among the failures but still. it wasnt a very nice piece of thing. if you get what i mean. for a moment i was just staring blankly at the paper. i dont know what i was feeling. maybe stunned. perhaps a teeny weeny bit of relief. not that my english was ever good, but it was just too much.

i had seen the top of the mountain. for some time i had thought that i could have touched it, or reached it, but no. at the very last instant i slipped. fell. even nearly rolled off. fortunately i managed to cling onto a branch. i continued climbing. i told myself that it was ok, that a chance lost is an opportunity gained. i hung on. and just as i was about to reach the same spot where i once fell, i lost grip. again.

the difference is that this time there was no more branch around.

tumbled. fell. rolled. all the way down. right back to where i started from.

should i pick myself up and try again? too late i suppose. i'm too disappointed in myself.

i wish i'd fall sick. then i can legally space myself out and away. without anyone out there blaming me. each and every single person. including myself.

2003-09-22T08:28:00.000+08:00

guys do mature at a later age. -rolls eyes-

2003-09-20T12:46:00.000+08:00

I SCREWED MY JAP ORALS. -cheers-

argh. i peeped at my mark. =P but never mind. make me feel worse. sheesh. -.-

anyway, i havent been coming online lately. dont think that i'm mugging coz i dont feel i'm mugging at all. it goes in from my left brain and comes out from my right. or is it the other way round? i dont know. whatever. a consolation for myself would be: well, at least i tried to mug. hurhur.

i think it's getting out of hand. i'm starting to feel that way. i think i broke the promise i made to myself. i guess it's really difficult to change it entirely. or maybe even impossible. because somehow you'd think that there're certain things they shouldnt be doing. even though you dont show it well enough. after all there'd be this barrier, since you know what it's all about. but i dont want history to repeat itself. i know how it feels. i have gone through it before. i know the pain.

so should i be the bad guy?

2003-09-17T18:13:00.000+08:00

woohoo. scroll down and take a look at the events list. wonderful way of preparing for exams. tsk. why cant we have study leave as well. after all we're streaming what. hmph.

whole world's mugging... whole world EXCEPT ME. i think i'm going to die for the end-of-years. hooray for me. but i really dont know where to start from. talking about bad organization. hurhur.

wo3 xiang3 zhao3 hui2 cong2 qian2 na4 ge4 chong1 man3 xi1 wang4, you3 dan3 chang2 shi4, you3 dan3 huan4 xiang3 de4 wo3, dan4 wo3 yi3 jing1 mei2 you3 yong3 qi4 zai4 ji4 xu4 qian2 jing4...

2003-09-16T15:46:00.000+08:00

Yu Jian - Stefanie Sun

ting jian dong tian de li kai, wo zai mou nian mou yue xing guo lai.
wo xiang, wo deng, wo qi dai, wei lai que bu neng yin ci an pai.
yin tian, bang wan, che chuang wai, wei lai you yi ge ren zai deng dai.
xiang zuo, xiang you, xiang qian kan, ai yao guai ji ge wan cai lai?

wo yu jian shui, hui you zen yang de dui bai?
wo deng de ren, ta zai duo yuan de wei lai?
wo ting jian feng, lai zi di tie he ren hai.
wo pai zhe dui, na zhe ai de hao ma pai.

wo wang qian fei, fei guo yi pian shi jian hai.
wo men ye ceng, zai ai qing le shou shang hai.
wo kan zhe lu, meng de ru kou you dian zhai.
wo yu jian ni, shi zui mei li de yi wai.

zong you yi tian, wo de mi di hui jie kai...

happy deciphering if you dont have the lyrics. =) [if you're stupid enough not to check it up on the internet =P]

but then again, you probably wont be interested.

=)

2003-09-14T11:08:00.000+08:00

answer my call, will you?

[added on 150903 at 8:47 a.m.]: oh my gosh. oh my gosh. i cant believe it. is that me? are you sure that is me? yuck. i'm disgusted. grossed out. i feel so fake. ARGH.

that wasnt me that wasnt me that wasnt me that wasnt me that wasnt me that wasnt me that wasnt me

ok fine it was.

what a fake-oh.

2003-09-12T12:40:00.000+08:00

psl interview was screwed. and awkward. =|=| i had no idea what i was blabbering about. hurhur. i think even the psls got lost coz they didnt know what i was talking about too. whatever.

"what are you going to do if a very important meeting clashes with your very important practice?"

actually, honestly, i have no idea. hurhur. prioritize? i dont know what comes first either. i know i'm being a bitch but if you were me you wouldnt know too. because everything seems equally important. i know that sometimes you'll have to make sacrifices in one way or the other if you want certain things. you cant have the best of everything. but i have never thought of joining band as missing any other chances to do other things. like being a prefect. or a psl. well maybe it doesnt work this way. ok i know it doesnt work this way. but everyone seems to already have this idea that band's busy enough bandgirls probably wont have time for any other things. in a way that's true. but on the other hand, we're deprived i would say. after all if you manage your time well somehow or the other you'll get through. teachers dont trust us. in fact i think they despise us. like even our teachers in charge hate us. what other hopes can we have? they seem to think that we enjoy them hating us. if having another commitment is what all the people in other CCAs can do, why cant we? i mean... look at claudia? hasnt she made a difference? she's like... everything. but as usual, no one really understands.

i do not believe in it. I DO NOT.

2003-09-08T16:10:00.000+08:00

people dont seem to be blogging much lately... but as you can tell i'm still rotting away here in front of the computer. the only things i have left to do are those that require like 99.99% brain functioning. what's mine now? hurhur you wouldnt want to know. i got so bloody irritated when doing my jap stuff that i gave up. yar i know that if i dont start mugging now i'll dieee. but then. not like i can get anything into my head at all. i feel like going on this movie-watching spree. but there isnt really anything that interests me except for the tale of 2 sisters which is rather outdated and i presume no one would want to watch with me. september hols suck the most.

bored. entertain me.

[added at 10:46 p.m.]: you know, sometimes it's so hard to say it out. but there're really some things that you shouldnt do. and if you think i'm not talking about you, i am.

[added on 090903 at 2:32 p.m.]: ow. my back hurts. damnit. i think it's coming back.

2003-09-07T15:16:00.000+08:00

AHHHH i got shortlisted for psl!!! yayyy hope i get through the interview. =)=)

2003-09-07T15:06:00.000+08:00

i think blogger's design is becoming worse and worse. yuck.

react was rather fun... err from lunchtime onwards that is. i think band prac was the best of all. 13 trombones in a row. woah... shiok. icebreakers were kind of dead. nobody talked except for the J1s and when we were forced to. think the leaders got quite sian also. sectionals was ok. nothing significant except that... ok never mind. =P haha. yar then lunch was quite funny... =P=P haha. after we went back it was band prac. yay. we started out with by loch and mountain. oh my goodness the RJ BL is so damn zai... he's like so professional. like... never start together then do it again and again until we start together. he did it so many times that i thought he was getting irritated but in the end he still gave us encouragement and said it was very good when we finally did it. gosh. it's like even the student conductor so zai already. no wonder the band so zai lah... =| and for some reason we didnt play el cumbanchero. argh was kind of looking forward to it coz our part quite fun... think maybe coz no time lah. but it was really the best band prac i've ever had. it's like the piece sounded so majestic. so impactful. =) great experience.

games were really what started us off as a group. at first no one talked to each other except for within our own schoolmates but during games we did things together and stuff. oh games were damn fun... i like my group leader... he's very nice and funny... anyway we were quite enthu lah. then he kept saying he liked the spirit and blah blah blah. i fell during the second game =| and had scratches on my elbow and knees lah... then the third game was the apple and polo thing where they put like a lot of salt and sugar. then i was kneeling on the ground to try to pick out the polo and like woah. pain. =| all the salt got into my wound. but overall the games were quite interesting... got real wet but i wet a lot of people too =)=) hehe...

i keep thinking like it's my fault. well i mean i know it's not my fault but i keep thinking that it's my fault. you get me? that kind of feeling is really... horrible. like i cant stop blaming myself. even though i know that it isnt entirely my fault. i keep feeling the need to apologize. but if you want me to pinpoint what i'm apologizing for, i cant exactly give you a reason. argh. like... am i jinxed or what. yea maybe i am lah.

2003-09-05T22:38:00.000+08:00

i officially announce that i am NOT lek tong. -glares at some people-

hols.

apparently clara chow said she'd give us some essay thing through the class tray but then there's no news of it. colman chua give assignment never say must do anot. never give deadline. never give instructions. never explain. only give one handout that has basically minimal information. -.- what is vanishing trade anyway? and what are we supposed to persuade people about? no elaboration at all. wow. so are we supposed to do it or not may i know? -.- i thought some teacher told us that we arent supposed to be given any homework for this hols. =|

so i managed to piah out my psl form and handed it in without a photo. =| bad impression. sad. actually i'm not sure if i made the right choice. next year's going to be a super busy one. i mean... not that i'm sure to get in but still. yea. aiya. hand in already so no choice anyway. shall walk one step count one step (zou3 yi2 bu4 suan4 yi2 bu4) lor. hurhur. not lame.

kenneth tan was damn funny today.

mr. tan: those people with very big bones will have build... like... mr. slatter...
vanessa: i know lah! you jealous right?
mr. tan: *astonished/ridiculous look*
mr. tan: *jumps up* (in a slightly high-pitched voice) i want i want to be mr. slatter!!!

was laughing like shit. haha. gosh. i think if he has too many lessons with our class he'll like get used to acting gay or something. then er. eventually it wont be acting anymore. haha. =P

why arent you here when i need you? when will you ever come back to me? if only you could appear right before my eyes now.

if only...

2003-09-04T08:57:00.000+08:00

react is in... 3 days? no. 2 days. argh. i think i cannot make it. -bah- i think i suck. ok my playing sucks. and it's getting worse. cheer for me man. wonderful discovery aint it. feeling bloodily cynical. it's like already what. a year and 7 months? no. 8 months. yea a year and 8 months and i'm still like that. cant even sight read a piece properly without getting lost. cant even pitch a note properly without having some dirty sounds in between. cant even respond fast enough to different key and time signatures. tone just as airy as when i first joined. i think i'm like a total sad case. maybe i'm just not the type. hurhur.

2003-09-02T21:02:00.000+08:00

argh and charlotte... i'm really sorry about it... =$ so malu...

2003-09-02T20:49:00.000+08:00

oh my gosh. i'm like speechless. stunned. shocked. whatever you call it. i never knew... do people really change just because... errr on second thoughts if i think about it yea i guess it was reasonable and essential for her to do something like that. but i'm just... not used to it. =|

not that i mind though. isnt that what i have always liked? i mean... what's the point of having a big group of people around you if you know that your heart will be empty on the inside. yes i may look very xing4 fu2. but things arent always what they seem to be. they arent always what they appear to be like. some things have to be done alone. in silence. in peace. perhaps it is music that fills the deep well in my heart. only when i play then will i forget about the emptiness. of course when there are too many people around, it becomes impossible. not that my playing is very nice but it's not the notes that come out. it's the... feel. so then. honestly i dont mind. not like i dont have the habit to do all those er necessary things. with or without it, that's my principle. so perhaps it doesnt have that much a large effect on me except that i'd have a black record of some sort. er something like that. oh wells.

emptiness? or is it simply because i have already lost the trust and faith in the people around me? after all that happened, i have been feeling so small. so... disregarded. aint i part of the picture too? well apparently not. no one knows actually. because i never dared to tell anyone. how much it hurts to know that someone who means so much to you doesnt care about you at all. because i am not part of her life. i hate the relationship now. it's not that i dont wish to retain what we have. i tried. i really tried. but what do i get in return? more pain. more agony. nothing else. she never ever spared a thought for me. for how i felt. for how i would feel. in her world, there's only her alone and no one else.

why then am i trying so hard? why am i trying so hard to maintain all these relationships? what if they all end up like that? would i be able to take it? i guess not. the best way then, is of course to distant myself away. then i'll never have to go through such struggle ever again.

sometimes i do get disgusted at myself for the things i do. but you know, sometimes, i cant help thinking that it's alright to do that. because she doesnt give a damn about me. she never did. she doesnt. and she probably never will.

i'm scared. so scared. so afraid. i dont know how i'm ever going to get out of this fix. why wont someone save me.

2003-08-31T19:11:00.000+08:00

conclusion for the day: joanna's house is ultimate sadness. fullstop. -slaps forehead-

2003-08-30T23:03:00.000+08:00

woah. long + tiring day. it didnt start well, but it ended off quite nicely though... =P

sectionals was much of a disaster. well at least i think so. i would have preferred if she flared up instead actually. at least there's less tension. you realize that when a volcano doesnt erupt people are always afraid they'd erupt anytime. but if it has already erupted at least it isnt so bad. some kind of security there. yar. it feels as though there's some sort of suppression. and then when there's no more space then poof! everybody dies. =| yupz and somehow i felt this kind of weird feeling during sectionals today. as if something was going to happen. i mean... pleads are worse arent they? well for me it is i guess. felt utterly useless but anyway. got on with it.

then practised a bit. then err "section breakfast". but we didnt get to sit together so ended up as section batch. nothing special in particular except i fully agree that shopping makes one tired. =| especially if you're just wandering around aimlessly not knowing what to buy. =P

met jingxuan after we parted and loitered around the heeren area. quite sian but i managed to get myself a new wallet. yay. then finally we met cara and yijing. then after that more and more people came. vanessa the sad person came last and everyone had to wait for her. hurhur... =P miss tan was real funky. took a lot of pictures and ate at marche. first time there so was quite suaku about it. =P but was quite fun lah anyway. some sad person couldnt stop laughing for some goodness-knows-what reason. =P=P yar but was really quite funny. ok spastic. anyway, we took a lot of pictures and miss tan was how excited about her new digicam that she bought err... yesterday or 2 days ago. sad. =P yar but it was a very nice gathering. was supposed to celebrate her teachers' day but she ended up giving us a treat instead. hurhur. ooh chelsea and i took pictures at cine with the homerun poster. damn funny. i was the brother and she was the sister. haha... people were like staring at us as if we were aliens or anything close to that. and i was wearing a shirt with raffles on it. lol.

generally quite a fun day lah. was pigging myself away. think of all the fats i gained. argh.

amazing how insensitive people can get. hurhur. i aint gloating. i aint amused. i just feel disgusted.

2003-08-29T13:53:00.000+08:00

oh by the way, happy birthday min yen!!! =)=)

2003-08-29T13:43:00.000+08:00

ok. so i ended up choosing the third option. but never mind. i'll do something later. =|

this is probably the first time in 1798475254 days i managed to reach home so early. hurhur. it could've been earlier. just that i wasnt sure of what to do. how i wish i hadnt stayed back in the first place. like. leave immediately after the whole thing. then i wouldnt have felt so hurt. so cheated. so disrespected.

so insignificant.

so useless.

i dont know if it's me or it's you. but you broke every single promise you made to me. e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e. if you take it as a game, sorry but i'm not interested in it. if you think it's fun, sorry you can go look for another person to play with. i am not your toy. if you didnt realize i'm a human. just like you. just like anyone else. i need the basic respect that all of us should receive. if you cant even give that to me, then dont expect anything more.

i think it's the first time i ever burst out like that. as in it was so fast. like it started almost immediately. but oh. not like you'd care.

anyway, the lame skit was real funny. i want to know who's that teacher who did the solo dance. oh man... it's no wonder he chose to cover his face. hurhur. but i think he was good. oh and i didnt know michelle wong could dance siah. =|=| gosh. so havoc. =P=P ok never mind. just kidding. i think mrs prama's the best. she really looks and talks and laughs exactly like cruella... hurhur. but i think the teachers enjoyed themselves. though it's more of them entertaining us than we entertaining them but still. after all it's a celebration for them. so they happy can liao. aiya i dont know what i'm talking about lah. just feel like ranting on and on. it would have been a very nice day if not for... never mind.

how i wish you'd grow up.

2003-08-28T22:17:00.000+08:00

screw sensei. ok never mind. i dont know what happened but i just dont feel like going for third lang tomorrow. like how stupid is it? first she come tell us no more lesson. woah everybody happy like bird. now suddenly say have. like have also tell us earlier lah! haiya i bet there would only be less than 5 people present. those people whom i informed ALL said they are not going. haha... anyway i think it's a total waste of time. like school ends so early yet i have to go home at like what. 4.30. what shit.

but on the other hand, i dont really feel like going back either. the atmosphere and everything is so not there anymore. everyone has grown so distant from each other. and it's not like we had a lot of unity in the first place. everyone was in cliques and stuff. we couldnt even do one thing together without quarreling. i guess the best times in my primary school life was in P5 when i became very very good friends with hazel. at least... she was the only one who actually spares a thought for my feelings... and we shared almost everything. she is the real kind of friend i could confide in. but now she has her own busy schedule while i have mine. it wouldnt be surprising if, the next time we meet each other, we really have nothing to say. which is rather sad but i guess it's too late to even try to call her or talk to her.

aiya. maybe i should just go home after the whole thing and mug. hurhur. but the usual me would end up sleeping though. or watching some stupid shows. or waste my time online. well basically slack.

whatever lah. we'll see how it goes tomorrow.

i'm kind of looking forward to react. well maybe more of curious about it. like what are we going to do for the whole day?! yar but then it's sad that our SL wont be there. and it's kind of like her last react in rgssb. =| i mean... not that i can do anything about it... but i sort of feel sorry. =| hai. who ask them to keep changing the date. *bish* but then quite worried also. everything's still quite raw... argh. i cant really get my part right also. alamak.

it's so stupid. i feel so cheated. like when can you ever mature and learn how to respect others. maybe you need an Atticus around. hurhur.

2003-08-27T21:55:00.000+08:00

WHAT-EVER!

2003-08-26T20:14:00.000+08:00

i appreciate your efforts in proving my point right. but you could do me another favour by screwing off. thank you very much.

do you know that i'm waiting for you? why is it that you expect me to dry your tears for you when you have never given me a chance to? why is it that you turn to me when no one else is there, but you have never been there whenever i needed you? why do you just chuck me aside whenever you feel like it?

i hate this place. i want to leave it. forever.

2003-08-25T21:33:00.000+08:00

yay no more third lang until term 4. woohoo~

jap test was relatively easy. but somehow i always end up having lots of stupid mistakes so i've decided not to hold my hopes too high. lousy day to have it though. made us (me and jasmine) miss phototaking. but oh wells. for all you know it may be for the better (i'm talking about me). hurhur. whatever.

[whereisthelove]

wonder who can answer my question. with AccuracyBreadthClarityDepth. hurhur. honestly i dont see the reason why i am hanging on. rather tightly i suppose. there shouldnt be any reason left for me to be here at all. there's nothing for me to reminisce. dreams... they're so hard to recognize, so hard to achieve, yet so easily shattered. and mine's already gone. actually it's not that i dont know i will regret. but you know, it's better to buzz off when you know you're unwanted, insignificant and worthless in the eyes of others. so then. my point is... there's no point. hurhur.

aiya whatever lah. somehow it just gets over. and i get tired of myself. same old thing.

pms-ing lah.

2003-08-24T00:35:00.000+08:00

you know sometimes, things are actually very simple. no not sometimes. many a times. things are very simple. but... no one wants to give in. then things get deeper and deeper and more complicated as well. everyone says "why should i be the one doing this? why should i be the one to take a step backwards? why cant you do this instead? it's so unfair!!!" hello... the world is just like that. unfair. there's nothing you can do about it. on one hand you want to get back to the old times. on the other hand nobody's willing to change, to make any sacrifices. instead you're marching on the same spot, waiting for others to change for you. what's the point then? actually there's no need for all these rubbish if someone can have more initiative to make a difference. [bet people will start asking "why must i take the initiative and not someone else?" ok never mind.] look. everyone plays a part. it takes two hands to clap.

it's not an issue about fairness at all. it's how much you are willing to give/sacrifice for something you wish to keep, something you think is important, something you know that means a lot to you. it only goes to show, in the end, how much you love a person, and how much that relationship means to you. if you arent willing to take any action and continue waiting, there wont be any outcome. seriously. none at all.

perhaps it's not so much about being sensitive to others' feelings as well because sometimes it's unknowing, sometimes people just dont know that it hurts. but why? why do you do it again and again and again if you jolly well KNOW that it hurts. bu4 zhi1 zhe3 wu2 zui4, ke3 shi4 zhi1 fa3 fan4 fa3 que4 zui4 jia1 yi4 deng3. why dont you get it??? time and again, time and again. at the end of it all it's still the same old cycle.

it's not difficult you know, you just have to think thrice before you speak and choose your words carefully. if you dont wish to go beyond that then... fine. but... that's the basis. if you cant even attain that, what difference do you expect there to be?

please... if you want it to be fair [well maybe not totally fair since there's bound to be someone trying harder than the others, but as fair as possible i guess], then why dont everybody start trying. NOW.

**this is not only for you, but it's also for me. it's for everyone.

2003-08-22T22:06:00.000+08:00

shit it i've got an ulcer again.

2003-08-22T21:04:00.000+08:00

i just dont want to take it for granted. i guess... i still have my own thinkings and values that i want to maintain. what should be serious shall be serious. or maybe... i'm afraid? afraid to take another blow... afraid that i'll fall again. like how i did.

you know... it's so hard to convince myself to do what i said. sorry if i seem hypocritical or anything... but it's just so difficult. maybe i was just trying to be strong in front of you so that you'll feel better. after all we're both in the same predicament. but... after that i end up crying to myself. i dont know what to do and feel. so many many things amount to the numbness i feel when i face those people. i dont know how to react anymore. i dont know if i should continue thinking about those good times or not. you know, it's so unreal. whether or not their smile is true.

love? where? since when?

fake. everything's fake. the world's fake. this place is fake.

even they are talking about it. wonderful aint it? i think i was being rather mean to tell them to stop it. it's not like it's an offence or what. but. seriously if they didnt stop i would have left. i'm sorry if i sounded mean ok? i didnt want it to sound that way. yea.

whatever. somehow someday i'll have to get on anyway. not like they'd show concern. not like she would. not like she cared in the first place. not now. not ever.

2003-08-19T23:21:00.000+08:00

it's neither surprising nor astonishing that being the usual troublesome me again i have problems attending phototaking session. cool eh? first it's the #^%!#$$* speech day and now phototaking. wonderful. *thunderous applause* thank you thank you...

i dont know what i'm blabbering about. argh whatever. everyone/everything is driving me nuts nowadays. extremely touchy moods...

geog lesson was really nice today. not as in the content is nice or what. but the mood and everything... yar i think michelle wong is damn smart. purposely go use that kind of music. add on to the atmosphere. felt rather saddened after that. but i guess no matter how much we sympathise them it'll still be difficult for us to understand what life in Africa and all those countries are like. after all we have all we need and want here. it's just hard to imagine. i believe that we cant imagine it further than what we see in the pictures. maybe life there is far worse? maybe what these people living in severe poverty want is a moment of peace. maybe they'd rather leave this world than suffer. maybe. or maybe because of that kind of living conditions they are stronger than any one of us here. maybe they believe in survival. believe in hope. see? you never know.

Where Is The Love
-BlackEyedPeas with JustinTimberlake

What’s wrong with the world, mama
People livin’ like they ain’t got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that’ll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin’
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you’re bound to get irate, yeah
Badness is what you demonstrate
And that’s exactly how a n**** works and operates
N**, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y’all, y’all

People killin’, people dyin’
Children hurt and you hear them cryin’
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
‘Cause people got me, got me questionin’
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

It just ain’t the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don’t belong
Nations droppin’ bombs
Chemical gasses fillin’ lungs of little ones
With the ongoin’ sufferin’ as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin’ really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin’ wrong
In this world that we livin’ in people keep on givin’ in
Makin’ wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin’ each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin’ on but the reason’s undercover
The truth is kept secret, it’s swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where’s the love, y’all, come on (I don’t know)
Where’s the truth, y’all, come on (I don’t know)
Where’s the love, y’all

People killin’, people dyin’
Children hurt and you hear them cryin’
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
‘Cause people got me, got me questionin’
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I’m gettin’ older, y’all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin’
Selfishness got us followin’ our own direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids act like what they see in the cinema
Yo’, whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That’s the reason why sometimes I’m feelin’ under
That’s the reason why sometimes I’m feelin’ down
There’s no wonder why sometimes I’m feelin’ under
Gotta keep my faith alive to lovers bound

People killin’, people dyin’
Children hurt and you hear them cryin’
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
‘Cause people got me, got me questionin’
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)

where is the love?

2003-08-18T19:04:00.000+08:00

today wasnt a very nice day. it didnt exactly start out very well and it's now still not well because i didnt get to eat my apple. =( anyway i had fits this morning. =( which is a very sad thing. [hey it rhymes!] i was like shivering and shivering until i was like so tensed up i reckon i would have bit someone if his/her hand was near. -bah- and i was feeling so cold... but after that i started to "calm down" quite a bit and yar it sort of turned out fine. so in the end i went for third lang. =|

not funny at all. not funny.

and i want my apple!!!

ok i do recall having a point in blogging... but i cant seem to remember what.

oh yes. it's a wonder how people can be so fake. like. what's the point of flashing a big wide grin when after you've gained what you wanted you just walk off without turning back at all. if you dont bloody care in the first place why do you have to wei3 qu1 yourself and after that complain that you're making a sacrifice. if it's such a difficult thing to do then why force yourself. it's not like we made you.

freaking irritating.

yay i got my apple.

2003-08-17T21:38:00.000+08:00

you know what? the prime minister just said "we have to deal with terrorism and stuff in his national day rally." haha...

hmm. the geog textbook lacks clarity and depth. shouldnt moe refine it?

ok i've decided that i'm going crazy. [-.-]

2003-08-16T20:09:00.000+08:00

woah my feet are dying. i dont like our batch's band shoes... so damn high... and i wore it from like 9.30 to 5.30. cant even walk properly now... the seniors one have lower heels... more comfortable. -.- bah anyway. manning the booth is quite a fun thing to do except for times when you have to entertain irritating KIASU parents whose first question is "how much did you get for PSLE?" -rolls eyeballs- like. i'm already a sec 2 and you're asking me that kind of question. =| i'm surprised at myself for being able to keep my head. well maybe the reaction kind of changes when you know you have a motive for doing things. wahahaha.

whatever lah. hope we attracted some juniors. and convinced some parents. haha. like about 20+++ of them. =P=P OH and i met juliet's sister... which is damn cool since she already knows a lot about band. er. sort of. yar and she has the cadenza cd... and she plays the trombone!!! yay hope she gets into the school. then at least we'll be assured to have at least one junior. well apparently she thinks our band is very zai. =| but anyway. dont care. as long as she joins. and stays. =P

tiring. really tiring. and my feet still hurt. =(

lord of the dance sounded dead. d-e-a-d. and messy and out of tune and uh. all that stuff. on the whole it just wasnt good. well, typical of our batch isnt it. i guess they sort of expected it. i think the saxophones sounded nice. =) tune was catchy and it was quite cool. so were the percs. =) yay. hope it made up for the mess we made. i made. whatever. not like anyone can hear me. hurhur.

i think i'm going to fall sick soon. feeling unusually cold nowadays. aiya. actually... i hope i fall sick. there're just too many things i want to run away from.

i need a break. give me one.

2003-08-15T21:05:00.000+08:00

wo3 hao3 xi1 wang4 you3 ren2 neng2 bang1 wo3 jie3 kai1 zhe4 ge4 xin1 jie2, rang4 wo3 neng2 gou4 geng4 kuai4 le4 de4 huo2 xia4 qu4...

i cant exactly pinpoint the reason why i'm running away. the more i think about it the more i feel that i'm the one with attitude problem. oh wells. what do you expect. it's me. sorry. i dont know what else to say. i need time. i need a lot of time. i know you hate me. i dont blame you for that. i havent been very tolerant either. are we quits? i dont think so. ok i have no idea what i am blabbering about. perhaps only one person will be able to understand.

maybe.

2003-08-14T20:24:00.000+08:00

i'm seriously damn pissed with some people. it's not like we didnt agree on what to do. it's not like we didnt tell her what to do. it's not like we didnt have time to prepare. and like... everything went on quite smoothly except that some people couldnt even be bothered to CHECK THAT HER SCRIPT IS CORRECT nor MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT. the 2 most simple things she can and is supposed to do. and then last minute change the order and everything knowing that the powerpoint slides are already arranged properly. knowing that she isnt supposed to make anymore changes in the first place. zai. i have nothing to say. i told you people already. if you want to get good grades then work for it! marks dont fall from the sky you know. dont want to spend time then fine. this is what you get. but hello... it's a GROUP project. it's not just you. and do you know how much time i spent on it? in the end this is what i get in return. if i fail my geog YOU DIE.

grrr.

2003-08-14T00:16:00.000+08:00

you know... i still cant figure out what problem there is with opening up a hotmail account to download a powerpoint presentation. =| i mean... my diskettes dont seem to work on the school computers what. not like i've never tried before. make it sound like it's my fault like that. -.- and like i updated it like damn late because my computer caught some virus until my brother managed to fix it. so i'm the only one who has it. =| uh never mind yar it's my fault lah. whatever. it's my fault.

speech day rehearsal was once again a -complete- waste of my time. our time. everybody's time. teachers just cant stop nagging. oh but it was quite funny at some parts. because the teachers cant speak english. oh and erm. our response was -.- haha.

#1: in the hall. deborah tan was supposed to give a speech. but it's a rehearsal lah so...

mrs tan: good morning... thank you.

audience (us): -silence-

mrs tan: -waits a while-

us: -silence-

mrs tan: thank you?!

us: -retarded after all those drilling... so pauses-

us: -a split second later -- "are we supposed to clap???"-

us: -"oh clap!!!" applauds-

#2: in the drama theatre. as usual... teacher droning on and on and on...

teacher: the first girl is very important blah blah blah... must move to the next row immediately... no need to wait for the previous row to be filled up... where's number 13?

number 14: number 13's not here...

teacher: she's not here? oh ok. girls, if the first person is not here, can the second person please kill (cue) her?

everybody: -bursts out into laughter-

#3: drama theatre again. this time another teacher...

teacher: girls you all must be able to blah blah blah... anything can happen on the day itself. if you see that there's a change in number of seats (or something like that) then you know you have to move to the second row instead of the first, please kill (cue) yourself immediately.

lol.

2003-08-13T00:06:00.000+08:00

i conclude that i'm just an extra.

and i'm problematic and troublesome.

and i'm nothing but a nuisance.

if you wish to get credit for a piece of work, you should be prepared to spend time and effort on it. if you think you can get the marks by just doing nothing, sorry you're wrong. if you arent willing to put in the least bit of effort, dont even wish about getting high marks. you'll never get it. never.

and perhaps you could try reflecting on your shitty attitude.

2003-08-11T19:45:00.000+08:00

lies. lies. lies. why cant you stop lying to me? if it's only because of that then sorry. i'd rather not have it at all.

why cant you prove it to me?

why cant you prove it to me?

why cant you prove it to me?

why cant you prove it to me?

why cant you prove it to me?

i get the idea. basically you dont mean it at all.

2003-08-10T18:13:00.000+08:00

i just realized that i cant do D and T tomorrow because my wound cant interact with dust, and neither will i go near -any- machine. and i cant touch it anyway. it'll start bleeding.

if mr. kong doesnt give me anything to do i'll have 3 free blocks. haha. but i dont think he will let me get away though. bleahhh. like who would.

she's so nice... and so is she... and she's the nicest of all. basically all of them are nice. if only time had stopped then, everything would be so perfect. so perfect...

but no. maybe not. because when they are around we never did see it as perfect. it's only after they leave when we start to recall, to regret, to treasure. and it's only then we realize what a perfect picture is like. and how much it actually means to us.

then perhaps... it should be a lesson learnt?

like we should not allow history to repeat itself again. but people are always so irrational. ultimately, the thing we end up doing would be to compare and to criticize. and then?

regret.

it's just like this endless cycle going round and round. there's just no end to it. that's why i'm trying to think differently. i dont want to go through the same phase again. it hurts. it hurts when you question yourself. when you ask yourself why. why did i have to do this. why did i ever do this. why do i have to end up asking myself why...

it's been a week. and it's obvious how much we yearn to see them walk past the corridor once again. how much we yearn to wave to them again. we've even tried going to the extreme. but nothing can make up for the emptiness they left behind...

nothing.

because after all, we know that they wont be around anymore.

2003-08-10T12:00:00.000+08:00

"hen3 jiu3 mei2 you3 yi4 jia1 ren2 yi4 qi3 chu1 qu4..."

"na2 li3 lai2 de4 yi4 jia1 ren2?"

i think i just blurted it out without thinking. but it's true. since when was there yi4 jia1 ren2? dont tell me you dont consider my dad as part of this jia1... like you call it yi4 jia1 ren2 when my dad's sleeping soundly in the room. what does one whole family mean to you? my dad is not non-existant you know...

and it's not like i enjoy going out with you because half the time i'm supposed to keep my mouth shut.

argh whatever. i think i'm pms-ing.

2003-08-08T21:24:00.000+08:00

speech day rehearsal was a -complete- waste of time. idiot. i want to play. bleahhh. now i feel so extra...

i dont know if you call this irrational fear. but then... i can feel it slowly building up day by day. though we havent even started. i know i'll probably just end up disappointing everyone.

i am at a loss. am i supposed to do anything extra? but... i dont know... like so what. in the end it doesnt help at all... and... argh. not like i never tried.

basically i suck.

oh by the way, please do us a favour by signing the guestbook of our ppl website -here-.

thank you very much.

2003-08-07T23:38:00.000+08:00

i should learn to walk around in their skin(s).

2003-08-07T23:37:00.000+08:00

ahhhhh. my fingers are rotting!!! oh no... how... they look damn gross... ewwwww.

ok never mind that was rather exaggerative.

but it really looks disgusting. yuck.

i'm kind of worried about tomorrow. i mean... yar it's just a speech day rehearsal. but i really dont want to disappoint the sec 3s. furthermore the sec 4s will probably be there to listen as well.

did you see the look on hui-en's face that day... i felt so bad. like... she's trying so hard to be nice yet we're so like... lousy. ok never mind. i'm lousy. i really hope we dont embarrass ourselves tomorrow. it implicates the band. and everything. and i'm afraid that the sec 3s will give up on us. i mean... our standard is like so far apart. i dont think i'll ever reach that stage even if i get to sec 4...

we've done it before... why cant we do it again.

2003-08-06T23:49:00.000+08:00

why does my blog take such a long time to load? when others' can just come out within seconds... -bah-

i ain't very happy with my maths test results. sucks. everything's crumbling. i need something to keep me moving. i need something to push me forward. i need courage. i need strength. i need some self-esteem. i dont want to stay here forever and continue going round in the same circle. i want something more. i want to get out. i want to see more.

maybe i'm just being too dependent. but it's always safer to have a support. it provides some sense of security.

realize i'm becoming to be scared of them. like... it's different already. the feeling i have towards them and all that... everything just feels so... strange. not that i hate it or what. i guess i just need some time to get used to it. but yea i appreciate them. =) they're really great.

oh wells. i just realized... someday i'll have to anyway. =P

2003-08-06T23:21:00.000+08:00

i dont understand how the sec threes trust us enough to let us play for speech day and open house.

[sorry this wasnt meant to sound disrespectful or anything. but... you cant deny it's true.]

because the whole world heard us today. and as usual... we sounded... well... you know.

we are so going to make it. we are so going to get lots of juniors man...

batch '05. WASBE.

we're done for it.

2003-08-05T20:20:00.000+08:00

it probably isnt a very appropriate time to say this... but honestly... i dont see why i should hide it.

~~i feel totally useless. and worthless.~~

if you want me to admit, yes i cant get over it. not now, not ever. it's just like... everything crumbled. and anyway, no one would bother to deny that the above sentence is true. no. maybe i should change it.

edited version: i am totally useless. and worthless.

exactly my point. maybe my english did improve after all. isnt the meaning so clear and so explicit that it doesnt require any extra explanation as to what it means?

why dont i just sand off my fingers once again and leave myself to bleed to death?

2003-08-04T22:48:00.000+08:00

i'm so zai. i'm so zai that i cant believe i'm so zai. i think i'm probably the first person in history to like... sand my fingers off. and yes i'm having difficulty typing if you didnt realize but i desperately need to blog.

and yes i'm not joking. i just sanded my fingers off today during D and T with the sanding machine. i think this is the first time i bled so much in my whole entire life. bleahhh. i dont know how long it's going to take to heal but it's hurting like shit!! but then it's kind of ironic since i'm blogging. but... i'm trying to blog with 2 fingers!!

and by the way, i just found out that not only doctors suck. nurses suck too. especially OLD and SENIOR ones. hags. bleahhh.

2003-08-03T22:44:00.000+08:00

i dread the arrival of tomorrow. somehow it's just... weird. like... they're there but not there. yea you get the idea. and there's a new committee. while we're so used to her being the bm and so on. the feeling wasnt that strong today. since i wont see them anyway. but tomorrow's an entirely different story. like. what would it be like seeing them walk out of the corridor and such.

i'm not good with words like the others. but basically you get my point. [i hope.] or perhaps it doesnt matter whether you get it or not. as long as i know where i am.

point is... do i know?

do you hear RGS band playing the song of victory,
it is the night of presentation when we will win the best band.
when the beating of our songs echoes the beating of our hearts,
we will shake vch and walk of the stage with pride [dum-de-dum].

may we hand in hand face this challenge and walk through it as one,
for no band in the world can stop us from reaching our goal/gold.
so join in the fight and we'll show them what we have got.

do you hear RGS band playing the song of victory,
it is the night of presentation when we will win the best band.
when the beating of our songs echoes the beating of our hearts,
we will shake vch and walk off the stage with pride...

i've never felt it that strongly until we sang it together yesterday. and we didnt even sing it with any prior notice. one person started and the song just went on and on. i swear i would do anything to feel it again. but i guess... not anymore. the chance is gone. nonetheless, i treasured it. the first, and the last.

i feel like re-typing and re-typing the lyrics over and over and over again. no not copying and pasting. but typing and typing. word by word. letter by letter. not that it would help much but anyway.

all the things i would do. so that i wouldnt have to regret ever again. like what i am doing now.

believe me.

please. believe me.

please do.

2003-08-02T22:22:00.000+08:00

you know... everything's just gone so suddenly. and i mean everything. not only the fact that they're gone. but also... a lot of other things. like the feelings i used to have. like certain things that i really treasure. things that mean a lot to me. suddenly they're just like... not there anymore. even the atmosphere was so different.

i dont know if that's just me, or is it just the fact that i'm shutting myself up. i'm trying not to be happy. it sounds stupid. but when you're not happy you tend to keep away from others. so then you dont really need to take note of how others feel. since no one will be around you anyway. and you wont get hurt. you wont get hurt by what the people around you say. you dont get hurt by their actions. you dont have to waste energy to try to please others. since there's no one around anyway.

there isnt always a reason. sometimes things are just plainly illogical.

2003-08-02T21:09:00.000+08:00

we love you sec 4s. we'll miss you.

2003-07-30T18:30:00.000+08:00

HEY GUESS WHAT. WILLIAM CHONG SENT BACK A POSTCARD!!!

WILLIAM.CHONG.SENT.BACK.A.POSTCARD.

WAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

how unexpected.

2003-07-29T04:01:00.000+08:00

i broke my record. *thunderous applause* this is the first time i ever stayed up through the night for the sake of -school-. why am i making such a big sacrifice i wonder... my beeeeeeeeeeauty sleeeeeeeeeep... and since it's already going to 4 a.m. i see no point in sleeping since i'll have an even harder time trying to wake up. oh and tomorrow my mum's going to rip my hair off i think. bleahhh.

2003-07-26T23:40:00.000+08:00

i'm so dead. i think i'm so dead. the whole of next week is so hectic. it's barely a day after SYF and we've got to face this kind of shit. like... cant we just enjoy for a moment? you know... really really feel the emotions gushing up, recalling the scene where the results were announced and everybody just lost control. but no. there's no time to think about what's flew past.

firstly PPL is due on tuesday. then there's maths test and ting1 xie3 on wednesday. then there's geog and lit presentation on thursday which we havent done. then there's kao3 cha2 on friday. honestly i have no idea how i'm going to finish doing the projects and study for all the tests lor. it's not like i'll reach home very early in the first place because there's a meeting for lit presentation after school on monday. tuesday's a long day. wednesday have to go for make-up lesson. thursday's another irritating long day. then friday there's third lang [and finally i'm going back to my own class]. though it doesnt really matter that much since it's a friday. argh whatever.

i think i can forget about sleeping the whole of next week. what a wonderful way of acknowledging us for clinching a gold. -bah-

2003-07-26T20:37:00.000+08:00

i'm so sorry i couldnt do anything to help. i just hope that you'd cheer up.

perhaps it was wrong for me to walk away. i dont know what it means to you. but to me as long as there's someone by your side the last thing you need was to have a group of people crowd around you. so i left.

and i kept quiet throughout the whole process coz i thought you needed someone by your side, but not to bombard you with questions and let you calm down. at least... feel the presence of someone. yea.

hope you didnt get the wrong idea. anyway just remember that whatever it is, i'll always be here when you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on.

love always.

2003-07-26T20:27:00.000+08:00

yes we did it.

[gold band]

everyone wasnt sure about it. no one knew how we would perform on stage. that very crucial moment. we've been playing the pieces since december last year and our inconsistency was rather worrying. at least i thought so. to both Mr. Oura and the band. but today's performance was one of the best of all the performances, rehearsals and band practices that we have had. yes. at that most crucial moment, we did it.

you know... yesterday when i went to VCH i was totally freaked out by the reactions of the bands when the results were announced. like... XX band was right beside us and i witnessed them crumbling... and i also witnessed the kind of joy when clinching a gold, with the members jumping around hugging each other. i could feel the tremors under my feet. yea was freaked. because for us, it'd be either that or that.

i was practically shivering before the announcement of results. i know we did well. but there's always a possibility. when the announcer said the word "gold...", i screamed immediately. there was this immense sense of achievement and this was the first time i actually cried out of joy. our hard work did pay off after all.

we owe a lot to Mr. Oura i think. he was the one who was pushing us along all this while, being very patient and putting in his very best in every practice. thank you very much. though i know you wont be reading this but anyway. =) and the seniors too. thank you. it sounds cliche and stupid but yea. really. if not for you we wouldnt have come this far.

a gold is not an end to practices and working hard. in fact it's a new beginning. a fresh start. we've proven to ourselves that we can do it, so now it's for us to aim even further. to bring the band to greater heights. to continue making music for the audience. to move them. and like Mr. Oura said, entertain them.

yes we can do it.

i believe that this time round we did it because we really put in all our heart into playing. there was no empty space left to worry about the judging. and anyway the seats werent even half full... =P i mean... yea i felt so relieved after we finished. i seriously could feel the music that we played. the music.

before i went up on stage i was quite nervous. but once i got up the nervousness gradually died away. then after that i just concentrated on playing and it turned out to be quite ok... except for a few wrong notes here and there which i thought was rather obvious... =| but i felt that the second piece was much better. i think it's because i've already "warmed up" and forgotten about the judges by then. =P

[yay happy.]

2003-07-25T00:08:00.000+08:00

i think i flunked the jap test yesterday. basically the listening part out of 10 i guessed half of it coz i had no idea what it was about. =| and i made a stupid mistake by forgetting to change the form of the verb. woohoo that's how much i rock. sigh.

anyway cara went crazy and jappy by the recess of the 4.30 class. she kept on talking to me in jap. anyway we had quite a lot of fun in class coz she couldnt stop laughing at the teacher's powerpoint. which er... made quite a lot of noise. =P

i like jap. it's kind of interesting once you get the hang of it [though i wouldnt say i have but anyway]. it's a nice language. =)

sorry if i offended you in any way with my entry. it wasnt meant to be what you interpreted it as. i mean yea a gold -is- important but we shouldnt let it affect our playing. er never mind. i really didnt mean it. [my expression sucks] sorry. i guess on my part i havent really seen the whole picture. perhaps 2 years down the road i would see it in a different manner...

oops. i just realized it's only one day to syf now.

2003-07-23T22:42:00.000+08:00

i was very touched when i saw the part where they stood together and braved through the hard times together as a couple. touched. by the scene where they interlocked their fingers together and cuddled together. as if they were sure to cross over these obstacles as long as they were there for each other. their love is so undefined. so sacrificial. she just knows that he would be there for her. and he sure was.

i guess that is the kind of love everyone looks for. yearns for. asks for. it's so... transparent. you dont have to speak out loud to make your thoughts heard. from the eyes you can already tell what the other person is trying to say. to express. it's really one mind in two bodies. thought it was really sweet.

are you there? will you wait for me? if only i had never let go... all these wouldnt have happened. and i wouldnt live in regret. if only i had come to my senses earlier... i wouldnt have allowed myself to plunge into this bottomless pit of complete darkness. and i wouldnt be dehydrated from calling. calling out for someone to save me. calling out for you.

will you remember? will you turn back? or will you just continue walking. faster and faster... further and further... until you are out of my sight... out of my reach...?

pardon me. i get very affected by shows.

wo3 xi3 huan1 huan4 xiang3. wo3 shi2 shi2 ke4 ke4 dou1 huo2 zai4 zi4 ji3 suo3 bian1 zhi1 de4 tong2 hua4 shi4 jie4 zhong1. wo3 hao3 xiang3 zou3 chu1 lai2, yong3 gan3 de4 zou3 chu1 lai2. dan4 shi4 wo3 hao3 hai4 pa4 yi2 qie4 dou1 hui4 bian4 zhi4. wo3 xiang3 fang4 shou3, dan4 shi4 wo3 que4 wu2 fa3 wang4 ji4 ni3...

ni3 dao4 di3 zai4 na2 li3?

2003-07-22T08:46:00.000+08:00

the comp studs teacher cant stop shouting. and he's going louder and louder and louder each and every second. his voice is like ringing in my head and i'm having this huge headache. -bah- so irritating.

7 bands got gold yesterday. which is only the first day. -wow- congratulations!

does that mean that there'll be few golds left by the time the last day arrives?

2003-07-21T23:39:00.000+08:00

the whole world should -stop- stuffing words into my mouth.

"i know you must be thinking blah blah blah..."

yar yar. you know everything. you're a know-it-all. my mind's sooooooo easy to read that the whole world can just zap it off. -rolllllls my eyeballs-

if you really know what i was thinking you wouldnt be saying that in the first place. so just what is your problem. shut up cant you? SHUT UP I JUST SAID.

you could've attempted things in another way you know... since you jolly well know that i'm not going to give in. the more you're doing this the more i -refuse- to give in. screw off.

*attempts to cool down*

CANT YOU JUST SHUT UP?????

fine. you cant. whatever. continue talking. nag all you like. whatever. it just comes out of the other ear anyway.

*evil laughter*

2003-07-20T20:11:00.000+08:00

oh happy birthday emmaline!!! =)=)

2003-07-19T22:53:00.000+08:00

suddenly i feel this immense guilt.

she's trying so hard. so hard to make a difference. so that we can make a difference. but we still remain stagnant.

was thinking... maybe getting gold isnt the most important thing for our band right now. in a way i agree with deborah tan. to put yourself into the music, to indulge in it, you have to be relaxed and gather all your emotions together. right now half our emotions are wasted on feeling scared and worried and anxious that we cant get a gold. maybe that's the reason why we always sound better when we play with our eyes closed. because we cant see the audience. though we know they're there, we cant see the expression on their faces. we wont know if we did well or not. because we'll be focused.

isnt making music our common goal? sometimes i cant help but think that a gold in our hearts is far more important then a gold in name. i mean... everyone's thinking that we cant make it. after every practice all we can say is "shit it sucked". i suddenly realize that there's no point in all these at all. it's a week to com. i think part of the reason why Mr. Oura gives more comments on our playing now is because the date in nearing. so then he probably has higher hopes than before regarding our performance during band prac. so perhaps the fact that he's picking out specific mistakes isnt a bad thing. right at this moment, i'll bet you someone is thinking "it's because we sound bad. it's because we're getting worse etc etc etc." and it's because we think that way and so we cant move forward. because we dont dare to play anymore.

music knows no boundaries. it all depends on you. how you decide to bring the music out. bring the feeling out.

they said they dont want us to cry. but they're the ones who end up crying.

2003-07-18T21:44:00.000+08:00

congratulations to RJC for getting best band =)

yar anyway tomorrow is my niece's birthday. and they're having the celebration at the -void deck- of the HDB flat. wow. how wonderful. -.-

anyway i dont see the point in going. it's just like eating another typical dinner. except that it's with a -big- family. not to mention i'd have to see certain people whom i cant stand. argh forget it. not like i have the choice.

this weekend's going to be busyyyyy. uh whatever. i shall let myself breathe for a moment before getting back to work.

i cannot take it anymore. why dont you just get off my back. it's not like i live to see your face. it's not like i cant live without you. no one's forcing you you know. so you dont have to force yourself. perhaps that'd be better for everyone. for you and me. whatever.

are you disappointed in me? have you lost all hopes for me? [if you ever had any]

i tried. i really tried. i'm sorry if i cant meet up to your standards. your expectations.

it means a lot to me.

2003-07-16T20:30:00.000+08:00

when will all these shit be over???

grrr.

i'm like totally shack. totally lost track of time. totally running out of energy. and on top of that, there are certain people who gets me on my nerves. i dont understand. why are you doing this? even a friend needs respect. not to mention the special relationship you share. so what's the point. if it just satisfies yourself, i think you dont deserve it. at all.

the subject combinations and what not are all on inet. actually i have no idea what i want. when you make a choice, no matter what, there's bound to be some kind of sacrifice made. and eventually you still have to decide what to let go. but then when you realize that you've made the wrong choice it'd probably be too late. and time will be wasted on regretting for the past decisions. take note of the word wasted.

maybe it doesnt mean so much anymore. i dont feel like "fighting" for it anymore. vanessa you can kill me all you want. but i really dont feel like it anymore. somehow there's this uncertainty... like i'm unsure about what i really wish for. perhaps i dont deserve it. it's just about letting go. a matter of time. i did feel rather sore about it at first... but the feeling is not there anymore. i dont know. i'm lost. lost in myself. thing is i already went to find her... so then... it's kind of stupid. but anyway. if it fails, i'm not going to care anymore. when no one bothers, why should i. give me 10 good reasons and i may reconsider. oh whatever. shu3 yu2 ni3 de4 jiu4 shi4 shu3 yu2 ni3 de4, bu4 shu3 yu2 ni3 de4 ye3 bu4 neng2 qiang2 qiu2.

i feel as though i'm moving towards insanity.

yea we can do it. we can do it. we can do it.

10 days.

2003-07-14T20:56:00.000+08:00

quote from yiqing: "why are there girls in RI??" *bewildered look*

lol.

anyway went for swim meet today. it was quite dumb because half the time i didnt know what they were cheering. =| anyway, we went off to grab a bite and we supposedly got stuck in the toilet so we didnt go back until ages later. =P

whatever. at least i got my activity point. and by the way, there NO link.

2003-07-13T21:58:00.000+08:00

if you're not happy then just screw off. no one's forcing you anyway. -rolls my eyeballs- [boinggg...]

i'm feeling extremely touchy today. yes. eXtReMeLy. if you dont understand you can check it up here. yes. anyway if only they'd stop bugging me. like looking into my things, rummaging through my stack of books and papers and stuff and staring straight into the monitor as i type. not like they understand lah... grr. oh i happily -forgot- to remind them that spm was yesterday. not like they would be interested to go but my mum did mention that she'd like to go. oh wells. she wont lah. yar anyway she doesnt really care... though she always threatens to do this do that.

but actually i appreciate her for that. yar she doesnt really give me so called "stress" regards to my studies and what not. seems to me that lots of people are having trouble with their family members and such. hmm... puberty. =P

was thinking... is it obvious? ok that was quite duhhh. already got caught a few times... i mean not exactly -caught- but yar... i guess it was a matter of time before the explosion. kind of expected it... but it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. i was right about how things will be different though. i know i will be right for sure anyway. but i didnt imagine it to be so soon. it's not exactly a bad thing... but i'm afraid to get hurt again. the more you get yourself involved, the more it hurts when you fall, and the longer it takes for the wound to heal. not that i like what it is now, but perhaps i'm just trying to detach myself away... so that history wont repeat itself again...

deep down inside i care.

2003-07-13T12:20:00.000+08:00

i think it's kind of ironic that i like to keep quiet but i hate silence.

silence makes you feel awkward. out of place. unwanted. uninteresting. it creates the atmosphere and impression the particular person(s) beside you has nothing to say to you. or rather... she has so much to say but she refuses to tell you. because she doesnt trust you enough. because she feels that there's no point. because she feels that you wont be interested to listen. whatever reason it has to be...

silence hurts. yes fatimah i agree. maybe that wasnt what you were implying. but yea. it hurts.

but on the other hand... i dont really like to talk. as in... when we're with a big group of people, i prefer to listen and keep my big mouth shut. but when the group of people starts leaving one by one, those people who have been talking has no one else to talk to, and i just continue keeping quiet, the whole situation gets kind of freaky. and because you havent been joining in the conversation, you have nothing to talk about. and sometimes... it just seems that some people are happier with others than with you. because you witness them gleefully laughing their heads off with someone else, but when they're with you it's just... -silence-.

just like that day during philosophy. vanessa was like saying... "this person har... keep quiet then suddenly pop out..." or something like that. cant remember her exact words. but yes that's me. that's just me. i can be noisy, but you will probably see it only once in a blue moon. duh i can speak loudly. but sometimes it's just... not what you see. in fact i like making presentations. and announcements. i like to speak to a group of people... addressing them and stuff. i think it's quite fun... you get to speak up and all that. or maybe i'm just looking into them for a chance to speak. i dont know. i just like it.

if being with someone else just means silence, i'd rather be alone.

2003-07-11T23:37:00.000+08:00

a little thought means so much.

altruistic? no not really. at least i dont think so. somehow... you want something in return. like... when you need a favour from the person whom you helped you'll start to fan1 jiu4 zhang4. hmm.

is everybody like that? i mean... in one's inner self... there's bound to be this... dark side. so then. you cant really judge a person by his/her good or bad points. or what you see from the surface. there's a limit.

on second thoughts... maybe we all had misconception about her? like... perhaps no one ever did put oneself into her shoes to think. or perhaps no one ever tried to understand the kind of environment she lives in and stuff. just because she's different doesnt mean she has to be ostracized or whatsoever. you know sometimes you just have to look at it with a broader view. breadth. points of view. perspectives.

bias... what you expect from someone you love would be different from someone you feel neutral towards. like... you side with people who are close to you. no matter what they did wrong. i think it's stupid. dont you have your own mind to think... to know the difference between right and wrong. to know how to recognize that your conscience might prick you... forever. or maybe... you dont even have one. that's the most probable case.

mood swings... at one moment what people do may seem wrong to you. but the next time you're in the mood for it, you enjoy it. sounds hypocritical doesnt it. but too bad. humans... i think... they're afraid of being hurt. that's why they're also afraid of hurting others. that's why people dont usually dare to speak up or voice out their opinions openly... because they dont wish to get into trouble. even the bravest person on earth will have an undying fear of something, regardless of what it is. certain times you cant help but be hypocritical. you dont have a choice. because you want to maintain whatever relationship there is. a friend is always better than an enemy.

my paragraphs are so not linked. but i just feel like droning on and on and on and on... never mind. i think i should get my beauty sleep instead.

wo3 shi4 tian1 kong1 li3 de4 yi2 pian4 yun2, ou3 er3 ting2 liu2 zai4 ni3 de4 po1 xin1...